


WHEN I SAW YOU

by jinyoungsmeat



Category: TREASURE (Korea Band), YG Treasure Box (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ass Play, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Romantic Soulmates, Sexual Tension, Soul Bond, alternative universe, don't hate me this is just an au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:27:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27181096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinyoungsmeat/pseuds/jinyoungsmeat
Summary: Kim Junkyu grew up listening to the elders tell about how they had met their soul mates and, for a long time, wished that their encounter with their other half was as exciting as that of their parents. It was like that until the day he saw Park Jihoon for the first time, in his confused blue tones and beautiful smiles.
Relationships: Bang Yedam/Kim Doyoung, Choi Hyunsuk/Takata Mashiho, Hamada Asahi/Yoon Jaehyuk, Kanemoto Yoshinori/So Junghwan, Kim Junkyu & Park Jihoon, Kim Junkyu/Park Jihoon, Kim Junkyu/Takata Mashiho, Noa Kazama/Kim Junkyu, Park Jeongwoo/Watanabe Haruto
Comments: 68
Kudos: 142





	1. 0. INTRODUCTION: B'SHERT'S CREATION AND ETERNAL TIES

**Author's Note:**

> READ THIS PLEASE!
> 
> 1\. This is not my first au, but it is my first for the TREAUSERE fandom. When I was still watching the YG Treasure Box I loved Jihoon's friendship with Junkyu, but my heart always screamed for Mashikyu..., but things changed perspective since the debut #jikyu kills me from the heart hahaha.  
> 2\. I am not writing any of this to disrespect or humiliate, I respect the boys and this is all fiction, it has nothing to do with reality. If you don't like the shipp, that's fine, just ignore the au.  
> 3\. In this soulmate! Au you will find triggers like self-deprecation, recreational use of marijuana and alcohol, explicit sex. If you are not comfortable, please do not read. I will warn you in the opening notes when the chapter has sexual content or drug use.  
> 4\. In this soulmate! Au there are degrees of love that explain the evolution towards the bond that will be called ‘b'shert’, which comes from Yiddish and means divine choice, predestined soul mate. It is the reference for the search for a person who will make you feel complete.  
> a) All newborn after the third generation is born to see only black and white;  
> b) When someone has a crush on another person, even if it is not their soul mate, if the bond is sincere and significant, that person may see gray opaque scales;  
> c) When one of the parties rejects the other, the rejected party begins to have detrimental effects on the visual function;  
> d) As people are separated into groups of probability, if the couple is in group three (rare) and do not accept the link of b'shert with the break they can go through a deep disillusion, leading to the breaking of the bond and blindness total (see everything black). If the rejection is minimal, they can see it again in black and white;  
> e) There is a possibility that, after being rejected, one of the parties will be able to like someone other than their destiny soul mate, but love will never be the same, and will always feel alone.  
> 5\. The selection of soul mates began after a catastrophe in the world, the God of destiny has ensnared them to guarantee the new era.
> 
> I hope you have a good read and enjoy this short journey. I admit that I was excited about the plot and I'm looking forward to bringing a new fandom to my profile. Thank you for your attention, have fun reading!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why?!” Junkyu's eyes widened. “Everyone wants to turn twenty, Ji! It is distressing to wait so long to see better”.
> 
> “Exactly! People want to be twenty just to have good eyes, to see whatever their aura color is, but I personally find it hypocritical and selfish.” the boy rolled his eyes, poking the elastic of his tooth brace with his tongue. “Everyone is literally eager to use someone else, even if they don't like them and make them happy because it means seeing a damn color that nobody really knows how it is, they just heard about it. It's ridiculous!” Jihoon gets in the class first. Junkyu follows him. “My black and white world is much better than any color that suits me in the universe, Kyu”.

Thousands of years ago — before an unimaginable catastrophe that changed the world and all human existence — the Destiny god dreamed about children who would be linked by their hearts with an eternal tie that allowed them to be **complete** , unique beings. With the end of the world, the god get ou from his great mountain in the sky and blew his oldest desire into the hearts of the last children of Earth, of the generation that led great humanity to decline and near extinction, allowing them to reconnect with their feelings and relive nature, mother earth, waters, and life. That allowed them to find their other halves in the new world so that they wouldn’t be wandering alone if another calamity touched their skin.

The world was reborn from the ashes, people procreated and, little by little, they found the other halves that completed their hearts and filled them with love. And it was like that for a long time, until the population quadrupled more than expected and soul mates began to be born distant from each other, separated by immense continents and obstacles created by the humans themselves — the same ones who had received the gift of being complete and were denying it day after day. With the arrival of the second generation, the god of Destiny watched his beloved children break the bonds that made them perfect and, perhaps out of disgust and sadness, took back all the colors of the world. From that moment on, all babies would be born with _sick eyes_ to the universe that, without the other half, would be made only in black and white.

The creation of the tie that the population, after legends became books and books became films, called b'shert allowed one soul to be linked to another at birth, making two people destined to meet in their twentieth birthday, thus presenting them with the discovery of colors.

_Let them see again as before._

Kim Junkyu grew up listening to the stories of the first generations, how all babies were born with _good eyes_ and could see the colors of the world in their most splendid simplicity. He grew up listening to his parents telling everyone how they had met for the first time — at a subway station, under a storm after mrs. Kim had run into her, after all, husband when coming down from the platform and having, for the first time in her twenty-one years, seeing the world beyond the black and white she had seen since her birth. _Yellow_. A confused yellow that appeared in every place, object, or person that passed by, slowly building the tie that existed between her and her husband. And despite being only fifteen, Junkyu secretly wished to turn twenty so that his b'shert link would connect with his soul mate and, at last, be able to discover the color of his aura — perhaps it was yellow like his mother had tried so hard to describe since he began to understand what it meant to have bad eyes in front of those who had already found their other half, their eternal b'shert tie. It didn't matter, Kim Junkyu wanted to fall in love.

“Why would anyone want to fall in love?” Park Jihoon, Junkyu’s best friend since he changed schools that summer, complained by pulling his backpack out of the closet. They had English classes. “I really don't want to turn twenty”.

“Why?!” Junkyu's eyes widened. “Everyone wants to turn twenty, Ji! It is distressing to wait so long to see better”.

“Exactly! People want to be twenty just to have good eyes, to see whatever their aura color is, but I personally find it hypocritical and selfish.” the boy rolled his eyes, poking the elastic of his tooth brace with his tongue. “Everyone is literally eager to use someone else, even if they don't like them and make them happy because it means seeing a damn color that nobody really knows how it is, they just heard about it. It's ridiculous!” Jihoon gets in the class first. Junkyu follows him. “My black and white world is much better than any color that suits me in the universe, Kyu”.

Junkyu pursed his upper lip, unable to understand his friend's twisted idea. There wasn't even a person on that planet who could explain Park Jihoon, the fifteen-year-old boy had his own ideas and was always willing to go against society. Despite his young age, he had gone against archeology programs on the moon — all because he believed the world would end again if they dared to discover what was left behind — he had gone out with the school's debate committee on the streets to fight for the rights of the union of those who had been rejected by their soul mates. Of course, he would be against the cosmic system that linked them to someone else because of their ideas and virtues.

“It's all right. That's your opinion” Junkyu shrugged, taking his notebook out of his backpack and sitting down next to his friend. “but, unlike you, I want to be twenty years old to meet the person I'm going to fall in love with. It isn’t just about having good eyes and seeing the color of my aura, but about the union and be happy.” the elder looked at his friend with a serious expression. The teacher asked everyone to sit down. “I want to have what my parents have”.

There were many romantics in the world like Kim Junkyu, who longed for their twentieth birthday and dreamed of the face of their possible soul mates. People who wanted to taste the sweetness of being in love to the point of becoming just _one_. But part of Junkyu worked hard to understand his friend, because there were many probabilities when it came to the new generation of soul mates and, like the vast majority, fear was also part of their reality. It turns out that, in addition to having bad eyes, they were separated into three specific groups.

Groups of b’hert. It was what the government called the classification cataloged by hundreds of scientists worldwide. There were three specific groups, each person on his 20th birthday — if the person found their soulmates, of course —, he was subjected to a test and placed in his group.

Group 01: those who saw only **one color** when meeting their soul mate and had a high chance of breaking the b’shert bond through love disillusionment or immediate rejection. Still, there were those who managed to make it work, like Junkyu's parents, who saw just yellow and loved each other madly.

Group 02: they were people who could see **two colors** and, in some cases, the junctions that almost allowed them to see the hue of their mixtures in an opaque way. They had almost a 50% chance of continuing to live together for a lifetime and accepting b’shert’s bond upon completion.

The last group was aimed at those rare people. There was only 1% of the population in relation to the rare classifications of human conditions. Group three consisted of soul mates who could see the three primary colors: **blue, red, and yellow**. 0.4% within this population had such a strong connection that they could see all the colors derived from their main matrices. It was a totally rare and charming world. However, the likelihood of rejection wasn’t ruled out, making the break so deep that both parties go through what everyone called 'back to the dark world', which is regression to the initial state of seeing only black and white. Or, in extreme cases, ‘blindness’, when they stop seeing the world and live with a black blur in their eyes.

‘ _Maybe that's the problem with hyung, maybe he's afraid of the group he may belong to because of the chances of going wrong and being alone after feeling all the sensations that the elders described as being the strongest tie in the universe…_ ’ Junkyu thought for a moment, studying the irritated expression on his best friend's face. It was the only plausible hypothesis because wanting to see the black and white world forever was scary. Fear of being alone after meeting must have been the reason.

“Class?” the English teacher, mr. Cho, caught everyone's attention before Junkyu could say something funny to change the heavy mood between the two. He sighed. “Sit down and be quiet please, before we start the class, I want to introduce our new student transferred from Japan, mr. Takata Mashiho. Please introduce yourself…”

Junkyu moved his eyes towards the boy without a uniform next to mr. Cho. He had deep, expressive eyes, tousled hair in a fringe that covered his eyebrows, and a beautiful smile on his face as he tightened the straps on his backpack. For some reason Junkyu wanted to smile back when the newbie, who bowed politely in front of the whole class, said:

“I am Takata Mashiho, I am fifteen years old. I am part of Japan's exchange program and I look forward to getting to know you guys better. I hope we can become friends…” his smile grew even more. Junkyu thinks he’s cute. Jihoon rolled his eyes and opened the book. “Where do I sit?”

“On here!” the class turned to face Kim Junkyu. The boy was known to everyone for being too excited, euphoric, and always willing to make new friends. But some were surprised because he never shared his table with anyone other than Jihoon. “We have space left, mr. Cho. He can stay at our table for that class”.

“What?!” Jihoon whispered, his tongue hitting his braces. He pinched his best friend's thigh. “We had agreed that we would not accept another person at our table, it is too tight. I need to-”

“Shut up hyung…!” Junkyu said without taking the smile off his face. He stood up and let Mashiho move to his chair because he wished he could be free to move if he felt like checking on the newbie again. Just to make sure he was adapting and enjoying the new crowd. “Hi. I’m Kim Junkyu”.

“Mashiho.” the Japanese smiled again. “Thank you for letting me sit with you two. I was afraid of ending up alone at a table on my first day of school, you know? It would be awful” the shorter admitted looking around the room. Most of the tables were occupied by three students, those at the back were empty and, in addition to the one sitting, five other tables had space, but their members did not seem to want an intruder. He pulled the body away from a little when he finally turned to the other boy. “Oh. Hi”.

“This is my best friend, Park Jihoon” Junkyu introduced them, because he knew his hyung was stubborn and was probably irritated by the conversation about soul mates and for having lost the chair that he used to support his leg during class. "He doesn't talk much because he uses a brace”.

“Huh?” Mashiho frowned but laughed. “For real?”

“Yeah. And Junkyu will stop talking because he will lose his tongue”.

Junkyu wrinkled his whole face in a frown and shrugged, opening the notebook to show Mashiho what the weekly schedule was. They chatted softly while mr. Cho corrected the activity of the last class and, despite pretending not to notice the two individuals next to him, Jihoon was silent while doing his late algebra homework so as not to go crazy.


	2. 1. PART 01: STRONGER TIES THAN SOULMATES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah. It’s because there are stronger ties than that b’shert tie shit, Mashiho…” Jihoon turned to answer the Japanese. “So don't make me lose my mind and take care of my best friend's life. He's fucking valuable to me”.

As much as Jihoon hated the idea, Junkyu worked for a long time to get his best friend to agree to live with Mashiho peacefully — according to the eldest, he hadn’t fought with mr. Cho for that table for anything and a new member in his personal space was a nuisance. Luckily, Park Jihoon would do anything for Kim Junkyu, so if his best friend wants to be close to Takata Mashiho… yeah, he could do that.

“Hyung!” Mashiho waved to Jihoon, pointing to the table where he was waiting for the others. The just some months old boy ponders for a moment before actually heading over to him. The Japanese knew that Jihoon wasn’t his biggest fan, perhaps it had to do with the fact that Mashiho was always glued to Junkyu, but he struggled to keep their relationship as calm as possible because he likes the koala boy too much. “Did you just finish your PE class?”

“Huh.” Jihoon nodded. “Didn't you have class in the same building as Junkyu today? Where is he? Oh, let me guess… he has grounded again in the room for throwing paper at someone during class, right?” Jihoon smiled sarcastically. Mashiho frowned, confused. He explained that Junkyu was sick, that he had ended up in the hospital last night, and would be gone for a few days. Jihoon's face changed. ‘ _How come he got sick last night and ended up in the hospital?_ ’ he thought for a moment. “And why do you know that and I don't?” the eldest inflated his nostrils. “How do you know that?”

“Oh!” Mashiho looked at the sandwich in his hand. Junkyu's mother had made that before leaving the boy at school a few hours ago. “I slept at his house yesterday. We were studying for the French and math exam…” he said softly. “I didn't know he was allergic to nuts. It was horrible”.

Park Jihoon had met Kim Junkyu in the hallway of the art building. The boy had just been transferred from a school in Chungju-si because of his mother's company. He thought a million times before helping the person who was now one of the most important in his life because he didn't have time to make new friends, but for some reason Junkyu’s lost eyes made Jihoon accompany him to the right class and followed him with his eyes whenever he saw the newbie entering a class they had together — it was like that for three months, until Choi Hyunsuk, Jihoon's childhood friend, became friends with Junkyu and started calling him to have lunch with them in the table they shared with friends. Since then Jihoon had not left Junkyu's side for even an instant.

He got up.

“Why didn't you tell me before?” the tallest grunted, making other students turn to see what was happening. “And why the fuck did you gave him a fucking nuts pie, you idiot? For God's sake, you could have killed him!”

Mashiho didn't know. He was new in Junkyu's life, he had no idea that his friend was allergic to nuts. He shrugged without knowing what to say.

Jihoon snorted angrily and left the cafeteria.

When he arrived at Junkyu's house, after pretending to the school nurse that he was sick — he was a good boy, he was a leader on the debate committee and no one would suspect him if he needed to lie. Jihoon helped mrs. Kim doing some things because Junkyu was still sleeping. He talked to the woman for a while, complained that no one had contacted him to said what had happened and as much as he was trying to stay awake, he fell asleep on the sofa in his best friend's room. Jihoon felt something touch the top of his cheek, right where he had a heart-shaped birthmark.

“Hyung…” Junkyu smiled widely. “What are you doing here?”

Jihoon was a sleepy but irritated expression. Junkyu bit his cheeks hard because he knew exactly the reason for his best friend's ugly face. He had been sick last night and forgot to call to tell the eldest. Of course, Jihoon would be upset to have been left out of that whole situation.

“In my defense, they gave me a really strong medication and I slept all night, hyung…” the shorter one chattered sitting on the bed, facing Jihoon and his ugly expression. “And my mom gave me meds today so I was really tired, and I couldn't call you…” Junkyu tried. ‘Jihoon-ah, please!”

“Why didn't you give him a list of your allergies?”

“Huh?” Junkyu was a few months younger than Jihoon, but he always acted like he was much less than his age when he was embarrassed. He puffed out his cheeks and shrugged. “I've only known him for five months, it would be strange to list my allergies, don't you think?”

“You gave me a list two weeks after we met, Junkyu. Don’t come with that bullshit because it won't stick!” Park Jihoon grunted getting up. “You were embarrassed, weren't you? About the fact that he could found it funny that you were a sick person and shit”.

“I'm not a sick person!”

“You are allergic to your own sweat!” Jihoon rolled his eyes, making Junkyu make a face. He sighed deeply and put his hands on his hips. “Kyu-ah, you could have died if you weren't home yesterday, you know that don't you? What if he had panicked and you had choked because you're ashamed to say you're sick?”

“I’m not sick… it’s just… allergies”.

“Junkyu, why are you so stubborn?” Jihoon stamped his foot, impatient with his best friend's hard head. Of course, Junkyu was ashamed to explain to Mashiho that he couldn't eat nuts, sweat a lot, stay in dusty places, close to dogs and cats, or eat strawberries. The Japanese probably didn't even know that the Korean had asthma. “I know you like him and want to impress that idiot, but how are you going to do that if you're dead?”

“It was an accident. He did not know”.

“That’s the point! And this’s your fault” Jihoon sat next to his friend, staring at his profile for a long moment. He didn't like Mashiho, he found the Japanese too inconvenient and spacious when it came to Junkyu's friendship, but he knew that Junkyu liked Mashiho and wanted to see him smile more because of his good feelings. “You have to give him a list of your allergies, Kyu. Next time it could be a strawberry and it will be much worse…” he said, moving his eyes to another place. “I don't want to have to worry about you because you're stubborn so tell him”.

Junkyu sighed deeply and threw himself back on the bed. He knew he had to tell Mashiho that he couldn't eat a lot of what every teenager ate because otherwise, he could die. It was silly, everyone had health problems — some much worse than his — but the youngest felt ashamed because he would have to see Mashiho do the same thing as Jihoon: be extremely careful when they were close because, even if Junkyu didn't eat, for example, strawberry, the simple touch of someone who had contact with the fruit could trigger an allergic reaction in him. It was ridiculous to ask someone to be so careful around him.

“Remember when we’re younger and Hyunsuk didn't know about your strawberry allergy and kissed you on the cheek after eating it?” Jihoon asked patiently. Junkyu nodded in silence. He had been really sick. “You got all swollen, if I didn't have an injection of adrenaline you probably would have died”.

Junkyu sighed deeply.

“I don't want that to happen again, Kyu” Jihoon continued even with his friend's angry expression. He lay down beside Junkyu and waited patiently for him to turn around. When the two finally managed to look at each other in the eye, the older boy could see the different black and white spots of the allergic reaction that had taken the youngest to the hospital last night. Park Jihoon raised his hand to the top of Kim Junkyu's head, stroking his soft hair with a docile smile. “If he at least likes your friendship, he will understand and will try to take more care of your health. Tell him, okay?”

But Junkyu didn’t say anything to Mashiho. He curled up in the early days, fought with Jihoon in the fourth, and ignored his best friend in the fifth because he refused to be seen as the weak child that everyone had to protect and care for more than necessary. On the tenth day, Jihoon felt at his limit and approached Mashiho the first time he saw the Japanese. He opened the notebook and tore a sheet, taking notes quickly while the other asked what was going on, when he finished writing he fixed his own posture and held out the sheet of paper to Mashiho.

“It's a list of all Junkyu's allergies…” Jihoon explained putting the notebook back in the backpack. “Nuts cause shortness of breath, itching, and nausea, but strawberries are even worse. He can die if he comes into contact with it in any way, either by touching someone who has just eaten the fruit or using the same silverware.” the taller clenched his teeth tightly. He didn't like to go after Junkyu's wishes, he knew he was ashamed of everything when it came to Mashiho, but he wasn't going to let his friend die because of an fucking crush, even if the two of them were soulmates like Junkyu was always saying to all their friends. Mashiho opened and closed his mouth. “You don't have to say anything. Just be sure to be careful when you go out with him, okay? If you eat strawberries, wash your hands thoroughly with alcohol and brush your teeth. When you go out together always make sure that the food you ask for him has no nuts, don't let him spend too much time around dogs, nothing to make him run for a long time…” Jihoon took a deep breath, wondering if he had forgotten anything. He swallowed and nodded to himself, satisfied with his best friend's job. “He likes you, Mashiho. Like a lot. So, please take care of him properly for God’s sake or I’ll kill you with my hands”.

Takata Mashiho nodded firmly, thanking Park Jihoon for being so thoughtful and responsible when it came to Kim Junkyu.

“Yeah. It’s because there are stronger ties than that b’shert tie shit, Mashiho…” Jihoon turned to answer the Japanese. “So don't make me lose my mind and take care of my best friend's life. He's fucking valuable to me”.


	3. 2. PART 02: A CONSTELLATION AMONG STAR RAINS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are amazing…” Mashiho whispered lying next to Junkyu in the camping tend that they had used as a love nest. He rubbed his fingerprints over the older man's sweaty skin. “And it was worth losing the rain of stars, right? Why would I want to see them if I have an entire constellation in my arms?” the Japanese wanted the boyfriend to know how important he was, how much he overflowed with love and how much he wanted them to be together for the rest of their lives. “I love you, Kim Junkyu”.
> 
> “I love you too Takata Mashiho”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SENSITIVE CONTENT ALERT!  
> If you are under 18 or do not like to read this type of content, please be careful with the last paragraph as it contains a sex scene.

“Ya!” Junkyu shouted sleepily, knocking on the door with all his strength. They were late for class. “Kim Doyoung gets up just before I enter this room and kill you for real this time…” said the boy, rubbing his eye. He quickly glanced at the watch on his wrist and stamped his feet because he had promised his mother that he would be responsible and send his younger brother to school every day at the right time. The parents were traveling to celebrate 25 years of marriage and the children had been on their own for two weeks. “Doyoung-ah, for God's sake, wake up”.

“Just five more minutes hyung!”

Junkyu sighed and opened the door, walking over to his younger brother's bed. He pulled the blanket up, opened the windows, and pulled the boy by the ankle until his whole body was on the floor. The two shouted confused things at each other before went on with their usual routine before school — Doyoung checked his social media messages while brushing his teeth, Junkyu made breakfast and made sure his brother had everything he needed to spend the day at school. They studied in different places, the youngest was in elementary school while Junkyu was in his final year of high school.

He was studying to take the entrance exam.

Doyoung sat at the table with puffy cheeks and tired eyes, he probably had stayed up late playing with Haruto, Jeong-woo, and Junghwan. Junkyu shook his head, put his brother's plate on, and sat down so they could have breakfast together. It was the quietest time of the day because parents were always complaining about _'it's not allowed to talk during meals'_ for both since they understood each other as people. When they finally left home they started chattering about what they were going to do over the weekend — Junkyu's 18th birthday would be on Sunday, he would spend Saturday with his brother and celebrate with friends the next day. They were excited because the boy had been meeting his soulmate for two years and, according to Kim’s, this was the best time in a person’s life. Doyoung waved to his brother when he got on his bus and typed a message that said:

 **The best brother  
at 7:30**  
Hyung, your gift is in the  
pocket behind your backpack.

“Two tickets for mini-golf?” Jihoon raised an eyebrow without understanding why Doyoung had bought such an unusual gift for his brother. Junkyu kept his eyes fixed on his food. “Why would he give you that? You are not the type of person who likes mini golf”.

“But Mashiho likes it…” Choi Hyunsuk, another good friend of Jihoon and Junkyu, answered the question that was in the air. The future dance student eyes moved in confusion. Junkyu nudged the oldest of the three and furtively shook his head. “What?! You told me that you wanted to take him to mini-golf one of these days, but that you had no money left over because of your parents' gift. Of course, Doyoung listened and wanted to help you-ah. I understand now… Jihoon didn't know?” Hyunsuk alternated his look between his friends. Junkyu lifted his head, smiling wide at his best friend. He had promised that they would go out that afternoon. “My bad”.

“Hyung, I can explain!”

“I thought we were going out Saturday like every year…” Jihoon handed the tickets back to his friend. He was upset. He had prepared an early surprise for Junkyu, and now his best friend would go out with his crush. He thinks that was unfair. “How many more times will you replace me for him?”

“Ya! Park Jihoon…” Junkyu whined dropping the spoon. “Why are you so dramatic? I am not replacing you with anyone. You’re my best friend and I would never do that to you. Don’t say nonsense…” despite what Junkyu said, he often canceled appointments with his friend at the last minute because Mashiho wanted to do something or go somewhere. Everyone knew that, but no one dared to meddle between those two idiots. “I'm not canceling our day celebration, okay? The mini-golf closes early, we can go out after that”.

Jihoon crossed his arms. Nobody knew why, but he had been angry with Junkyu for some time and things always seemed on the hard between them, as if at any moment they would fight and break their friendship — Hyunsuk analyzed them in silence, not knowing how to help to ease the situation that he had created. He took out his phone and sent an SOS to Asahi and Jaehyuk to hurry up. Hyunsuk wouldn’t be able to resolve it, so he waved as soon as he saw Bang Yedam, Junkyuk’s childhood friend.

“Yedam-ah!” the older one shouted in a rush, wanting to break the tension in the air. The boy with the long hair in his eyes approached, placing his tray on the table and tossed his backpack on the floor. “Junkyu, have you explained to Yedam how we’re going to get into that party for your birthday?”

“No.” Junkyu puffed out his cheeks without taking his eyes off Jihoon, who still looks at him as if he wants to kill him. “I forgot to tell him…”

“Of course you forgot it. Now you only have time to think about Mashiho, talk about Mashiho, hang out with Mashiho…” Jihoon replied without giving his friend a chance to say another word. Yedam pursed his lips as he felt the tension between them. “Everything is now about Mashiho, so why would you explain to one of your best friends how we are going to celebrate your birthday, right? Especially because Mashiho won't be there”.

“Jesus fucking Christ…!” Hyunsuk dropped the spoon and sank into the chair, impatient with Jihoon's stubbornness. “They will fight again”.

“What happened?” Yedam whispered to the eldest, who explained the situation briefly and shrugged. “I'll call Asahi hyung”.

“Why do you have to hate him so much?”

“Why do you always have to replace us for him?”

“I'm not doing this!” Junkyu replied. “You have been my best friend for years, I would never replace our friendship just because I have a crush on someone. Hyung, you need to let that pathetic jealousy of you go before it's too late…” the youngest said without realizing it. He opened his eyes wide, unable to withdraw his words because Jihoon stood up. “Ya, ya, ya! That's not what I meant to, hyung. Let me say it again…”

“Why? Didn't you just insinuate that our friendship will end if, as you said yourself… I don't stop my jealousy? This is the third time you've told me that in less than two months, Kim Junkyu” Jihoon recalled picking up his backpack. He smiles, sad. “You can't admit that you've been switching me for Mashiho for years now and that, whenever you have the chance, you insinuate that we will have to stop talking because of him and your stupid crush on that stupid boy…” Jihoon shrugged. “I don't understand how can't you see how unfair you’re being with me just because of a boy”.

“Guys, let's stay calm!” Hyunsuk also got up when he saw Junkyu get up. He knew that the two wouldn’t get into a physical fight, but he was sure that that verbal fight would go even further if he didn’t intervene. “People are starting to look at you two, so please… let's sit down”.

“I'm leaving”.

“You always do that!” Junkyu replied. “You fought with me, tell me a lot of blunder, and leave as if nothing had happened. This is also unfair Park Jihoon, you are my best friend, and you shouldn't treat me that way and everyone knows that…” he mumbled. “It's very rude of you”.

Jihoon sketched an ironic smile on his lips.

“Rude?” he repeated licking his lips. “You’re the one who treats me badly whenever Mashiho is close, Junkyu. You are the one who changes me easily whenever he snaps his fingers and you are the one who is telling me that I have to stop being jealous or you are going to leave me again. How do you expect me to treat someone who does all this for something stupid as the slightest chance of ending up being that guy's soul mate?”

Junkyu's eyes widened. His friends knew that he had some mixed feelings for Mashiho since they were teenagers, but no one had ever heard him talk about his suspicions of having the b’shert link with the Japanese. Asahi and Jaehyuk stopped where they were as soon as they heard Jihoon's words. Suspecting that someone could be their soul mate was one of the most controversial and questioning issues for everyone because a large part ended up being successful with their suspicions.

“Did you really have to say it out loud?”

“Isn't that why you treat me like shit?” Jihoon shrugged, smiling when he saw Mashiho approach behind Junkyu's back. “You are 60% sure that he is your soul mate and that's why you run around like a puppy whenever you see him, Junkyu. The problem is that you lack the courage to admit that you have been in love with Mashiho since you saw him is stupid. And you treat anyone differently if you are to spend two minutes with him”.

Hyunsuk choked on the juice he was drinking when he noticed Mashiho's presence and what Jihoon was doing. He was revealing his best friend's feelings because he was angry about the situation. Asahi moved away so that the other Japanese could be present.

“What did you say?”

“Mashi…” Junkyu felt his heart racing. He shook his head and hands at the same time, trying to figure out how to deny or reverse the situation. Jihoon swallowed and fixed the backpack on his back, turning his back on his best friend. “Jihoonie!” the koala smiling boy opened and closed his mouth watching the other go. He turned to Hyunsuk for a solution. “I'm so sorry. I-ah-I swear I wasn't trying to take advantage of our friendship. I really… damn it”.

Mashiho frowned and smile.

“You hate me?”

“Why could I?”

“Don’t need to lie. Everyone hates lunatics for the b'shert link and you have already made it clear that you hate it when someone approaches you saying it maybe your soul mate and here I am, your friend for years… pretending I don't think you're my tie just so we can stay close. I'm such an idiot…” Junkyu bit his lip hard. “I’m really sorry, Mashi”.

“Junkyu hyung…” Takata Mashiho laughed showing all those beautiful teeth. The eyes were as small as two moons. Hyunsuk prepared to help when Junkyu started to cry for rejection and, above all, for being abandoned by Jihoon too. “I’m really happy to know that you think I'm your soul mate, hyung… because I also think you're mine”.

**\- ¤ –**

Junkyu decided that he had never been happier in his life — that he was only eighteen years and two months old — and that he would cling to any crumb he received from Mashiho. He liked the Japanese, liked the sound of his laughter, the cute way he was making noises with his feet, his hair, and how his smile made his heart race whenever they were together. They had been going out for two months, it was the most youthful and incredible time in their lives, and although they were not yet twenty, they fervently wish they’re each other's soul mate because being together was perfect.

“Ah!” Junkyu's eyes widened as he shouted in the middle of math class. He put his hand over his mouth and apologized to the professor, pressing his lips tightly without knowing exactly what had just happened. He was concentrating on his thoughts, going over with a silly smile all the meetings he had had with Mashiho during those two months when suddenly something strange left his vision blurred, and something change in his eyes. The boy tore a piece of paper and hurled balls at Park Jihoon's back. They weren’t very good, they had fought and, although Hyunsuk forced them to set things right, they had been apart for some time. Junkyu licked his lips, preparing to throw another role when Jihoon turned with an ugly expression. He nodded in embarrassment and mimed: “ _I need to tell you something”_.

Jihoon shook his head. He didn’t hold a grudge against Junkyu, but he preferred to keep things as they were at the time: each living his life and building their own future. Technically, those had been the older man's words when the two were forced to talk about the fight that, in the opinion of all friends, was stupid. _'I love you, you are my best friend and I will always protect you, but I want to stop feeling like your second option and so I think we should start doing different things… we need to build our own futures, Kyu , even if it is far from each other'_. And Junkyu swore that he never felt his heart hurt so much in those eighteen years, but he smiled and accepted the elder's decision because he knew he had hurt him too.

“Please…” he mended again, putting his hands together. Jihoon denied it and turned forward. He wanted to pay attention in class. It was his last year in high school and he wasn't going to ruin everything for his childhood friend's cause. Junkyu threw another paper ball at the future dancer. “Please. Message”.

Jihoon rolled his eyes and, impatiently, sent a message asking what Junkyu wanted to talk about so important not to let him pay attention in class. The answer made the older man turn around.

 **My hyung ♥  
at 11:32**  
What?  
You think you saw a color?

 **me  
at 11:32**  
I don't know if it was a color…  
how do I know if I don't really KNOW what a color is?

 **me  
at 11:33**  
but if I knew what this color thing really looks like  
I would say that I just had  
a glimpse of something like that…

Jihoon frowned.

It wouldn't be impossible. They were not yet 20, but there were bonds that were made throughout life and that triggered situations that many people described as glimpses of a cloudy and opaque color because of a significant passion — it might not be the tie of b'shert, but it was important to the point of making the person go through side effects. Of course, Junkyu could be one of those people in the crowd who fell in love in their teens and, for being a strong feeling, being able to see for a brief moment something that could be considered 'color'.

 **me  
at 11:45**  
I think in the end  
I was right all the time…

Jihoon didn't have to read the rest of the message to know what his friend was talking about. Takata Mashiho was probably Kim Junkyu's soul mate because there needed to be a minimal possibility of compatibility for a side effect to manifest before he was twenty.

That was the first time that Junkyu swore to everyone that he had felt his eyes tremble and a strange color, different from the world he knew in black and white, blinded him completely for a measly moment. Jihoon listened patiently, even if he preferred to do other things — he was vice president of the dance club, participated in debates about classes that did not have soul mates for any number of reasons, had participated in two words as a special guest on the government's inability to be fair to the whole population and was studying for the entrance exam in the meantime. And that, above all, was the reason for the two to speak more often, because of the bursts of joy that Junkyu had when he perceived something different in his black and white world.

“Ya! Park Jeong-woo” Junkyu sat on the couch. “Where's your brother?”

Jeong-woo shrugged, biting off a piece of toast while annihilating a character in the video game. Junkyu pouted his lips and looked at his watch again. Jihoon had promised that they would see the star rain that dawn, so the younger brothers of the two would spend the night together at the Kim family home because it was a special day and everyone would do something different to celebrate the passing of the Moon festival. Junkyu took out his phone and sent another message to Jihoon.

“He must be with his girlfriend.” Jeong-woo said, drawing the older man's attention. Doyoung looked at his friend and frowned because it was the first time, he heard about it. “Didn't he tell you two about her?”

“No?” Doyoung dropped control of the video game. He was only a year younger than Jihoon, he was seventeen years old, and considered himself a good friend of the boy as well as his younger brother, Jeong-woo. “Hyung, did he tell you he was dating?” Junkyu denied without taking his eyes off the phone in his hands. “What a scrotum! Is that why he didn't want to go out with me on Saturday? Because he was on a date with his girlfriend?”

“I don’t know. I was at Haruto's house…” Jeong-woo shrugged, killing Doyoung's character while he had a chance. He smiled widely, taking another toast. His brown eyes alternated between the two older boys. “Maybe he's in traffic. And not with her”.

“Who is it?” Doyoung asked. “Do we know her?”

“It's a girl from his debate club…” Jeong-woo snorted impatiently because he didn't want to be talking about his brother's life. “I think she's president or something like that. I don't know the girl, okay? I just saw them together”.

“But he said she was his girlfriend?” Junkyu finally asked, turning off the phone screen. He ran the tip of his tongue over his teeth. “Because he didn't tell me anything. And he always tells me everything about his romantic life, no matter how bad this is. Why didn't he tell me?”

“Who didn't tell you what?” they heard Jihoon before they even realized that the door had been opened. Junkyu looked at his friend from head to toe. He was well dressed and perfumed. “What? Aren't we late for the rain of stars? Are you still going to Mashiho's house?”

“You're dating?”

“Park Jeong-woo!” Jihoon croaked, turning his eyes to his brother. Junkyu shook his head, surprised by the 'betrayal'. Jihoon hated relationships. He kept saying that he refused to exist in the universe like all other human beings and repudiated the link of b’shert and had no interest in dating anyone, who would reject his soul mate. “I'm not dating. Who do you think I am? This dating thing is for people like you, Kyu, who believe in love. She is a friend”.

“A friend who gives you gifts and takes you out to eat?”

“Did you take her on a date?!”

“No!” Jihoon shouted with a nervous smile. “Are we really talking about me? Of course I didn't take someone on a date. We go out with the debate club and, coincidentally, she lives two blocks away from us and that's why Jeongwoo thinks we're dating because I walk her homie”.

“And the gift?”

“That’s was her birthday?!” - Jihoon questioned confused because he didn’t understand the reason for the interrogation. “The whole club gave gifts to her, I wouldn’t be the only one to be rude. I will never date”.

“You say that now, hyung” the boy's brother said rolling his eyes. Even he, who was only sixteen, wanted to fall in love. It was impossible that the brother, romantic, affectionate, and kind as he was, would be alone all his life as he kept saying on the internet that he would. “We'll see when you find your soul mate. I'm sure you'll be crazy about her”.

“First of all…” Jihoon showed a disgusting face. “I’m totally gay, so don’t get me wrong… but I don’t want a girl. This’s impossible.” Jihoon, Junkyu, and Doyoung said the last phare at the same time, laughing for reasons they understood very well. Park Jihoon was a stone walking in the shape of a human being. He was loyal to his cause, so Junkyu was startled by the idea of seeing him dating someone. “Stupid”.

“Yeah, yeah. Your brother will die alone, Jeongwoo. You should start to get used to the idea that you’ll need to take care of his lonely ass for life”.

“Fuck you, Kim Junkyu!” Jihoon rolled his eyes. “Jeongwoo, stop spreading lies about me around. Doyoung, don't let my brother sleep too late your fucking rascal” he said waving Junkyu to get up at once. “And tell your mother that I sent you a kiss and that I come to pick that little shit up early tomorrow”.

And they went out to watch the rain of stars. It was the passage of the moon festival, the vast majority of teenagers would be watching from the terrace of their buildings, in the squares, or in open spaces because it was a tradition. They would go to the Han River — Mashiho had given the idea, said that it would be interesting for them to watch a moment like that in a special place: in front of the place where Junkyu had accepted his _dating request_.

Jihoon was left alone in the first instant. Mashiho was Junkyu's star, no matter who was present or what was going on in the world, even though everything was black and white Junkyu became lit whenever he was on the Japanese side and, even if Jihoon didn't understand why it seemed to be love. The kind of feeling that grows and becomes a fucking b’shert tie and that is why the eldest decided to ignore the fact that he was his friend's second option.

“They’re fucking, right?” Yedam asked sitting next to Yoshinori, without realizing that Jihoon was sitting right in front of Asahi and Jaehyuk. He sucked the juice out of the package. “I don't believe he forced us to come here knowing that Mashiho had other plans. That rascal”.

“Yedam!” Hyunsuk tilted his head, pointing at Jihoon who had no expression. Junkyu had begged him to renounce his commitments that night to go to Han River to see the rain of stars when he had other plans. The tall boy got up. “You're an idiot, Yedam. Fuck. Jihoon!”

“That idiot…” Jihoon croaked as soon as Hyunsuk and Yoshinori reached him. He put his hands on his hips. “I had an important dance rehearsal and I had to lie to them just to come to that shit river because of him, hyung”.

“I’m sorry”.

“That… argh. I lost my fucking night about of that stupid”.

“Just forget about it, Ji” Yoshi put his hand on his friend's shoulder, trying to cheer him up even though he knew the situation was hard. He would also be mad if one of his friends made him lie to something important and then left him alone. “I know it pisses you off, but we're not going to let it ruin your whole night. Let's watch the star rain with us, please”.

Jihoon didn't want to. He wanted to go home or break somethings for being, again, made an idiot by Kim Junkyu. He gritted his teeth and nodded irritably, returning at a heavy pace to where the others were sitting. Yedam apologized to the elder but was ignored by him and decided it was safer to sit next to Jaehyuk and Asahi. And, as he watched the rain of stars appear in the black and white sky as inexplicable things as if cutting through the darkness with more darkness, Junkyu clung to Mashiho's hair and, in a choked voice, whispered how much he loved the Japanese and wanted to stay with him forever — Takata Mashiho's small, warm hands clutched more tightly on the Korean's slender waist, pushing his hips against his body as they slid over the lining of the tent that had been strategically set up far from all civilization, in middle of a place he had discovered by chance and baptized as their secret place.

Junkyu tilted his head back, groaning loudly as he felt himself being filled one last time before the Japanese came inside the condom.

“Aren't you happy to have lost the rain of stars?” Junkyu smiled breathlessly, kissing the pink cheeks of the boyfriend, who looked at him as if he had never seen anything more beautiful in the entire universe. For a few moments, the Korean vowed to see that same thing that he believed was a flickering color in his iris. He smiled even more. “It was amazing”.

“You are amazing…” Mashiho whispered lying next to Junkyu in the camping tend that they had used as a love nest. He rubbed his fingerprints over the older man's sweaty skin. “And it was worth losing the rain of stars, right? Why would I want to see them if I have an entire constellation in my arms?” the Japanese wanted the boyfriend to know how important he was, how much he overflowed with love and how much he wanted them to be together for the rest of their lives. “I love you, Kim Junkyu”.

“I love you too Takata Mashiho”.


	4. 3. PART 03: HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU NEED TO BE TO BECOME YOU?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know this is kind of impossible, don't you?” he asked to frown because sometimes Jihoon could be really dumb about some things. The other rolled his eyes and nodded because he knows that was almost impossible. Junkyu wasn’t sure, but there were moments when he swore to see something other than the black and white he was used to, so it would be impossible to stop loving Mashiho since all the signs pointed out that they were really soul mates. “He may be in doubt now because there is only a year to discover the truth, but we are ridiculously compatible hyung. We will both end up blind”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: recreational use of marijuana!!

Again, things get out of place

When then, I start to feel at home

And if the desire is a disorder

Hands up, stay where you are!

Without fanfare, I withdraw

I choose to shut up

And nothing will undercut everything we still are

All certainty that we suppose

But life out there

Is calling now

And don't delay!

Who gives more?

In the absence that the absence makes

Again, your eyes must denounce me

How can I not notice what slows me down?

And if the desire is a disorder

Hands up, stay where you are!

Without fanfare, I withdraw

I choose to shut up

And nothing will undercut everything we still are

All certainty that we suppose

But life out there

Is calling now

And don't delay!

Who gives more?

In the absence that the absence makes

And nothing will undercut everything we still are

All certainty that we suppose

But life out there

Is calling now

And don't delay!

Who gives more?

In the absence that the absence makes

But life out there

Is calling now

And don't delay!

Who gives more?

In the absence that the absence makes

_—_ _Shel Silverstein._

They said that being in love was incredible, euphoric, charming. But everyone forgot to tell the dark details, how hard it was to live with someone else in a world where soul mates existed and the likelihood of losing your other half was stifling, scary and even real — no one dared talk about the fights, distrust, lies, changing behavior and how people changed even when they were sure they were next to their b'shert tie. Perhaps that was because most, as Park Jihoon used to say, weren’t really heard when they wanted to talk about how miserable they felt thanks to fate. Perhaps because exist too many romantics, who were blind and let themselves be carried away by any spark of affection and love they get in a world where everyone was desperate to find their half.

Nobody talked about how tiring it was to cry hidden.

“Where were you?” Yoshinori asked Junkyu, handing over the score that the music club president had just distributed. They were in their first year of college, took almost all classes together, and had to attend a talent show. “Kyu, were you crying? Your eyes are weird…”

“Why would I be crying?” the taller rolled his eyes, scratching his cheek hard. “I try to get my backpack from the top of the closet, and something fell in my face. This hit my eye.” he lied. He had no reason to talk about that same subject with his friend, he was tired of regretting it. If Mashiho wanted to take some time to think, then he needs to be okay with it. “This is the song?”

“Yes. They want you to sing with someone named Noa Kazama because apparently he is the leader of the singing group and the best student, so you need to perform together because he has the highest score of the week”.

“Oh. Okay? But wouldn't it be easier to put me with a freshman student instead of a _sunbae_?” Junkyu knitted his eyebrows. He sat on the floor and read the lyrics patiently. “It's a difficult song. How am I supposed to be able to decorate and sing this with someone I've never seen?”

“That's why we're going to meet… now.” they heard a third voice among all others in the corner room. Junkyu looked up, incarnated a tall boy with a wide smile. “You are the boy that will participate in the talent show with me this year, right? You’re pretty. Hi, I'm Noa Kazama”.

“Kim Junkyu…” the youngest nodded politely, pointing to his friend with the leaves in his hands. “This is Yoshinori Kanemoto. He is also in the first year of the music course sunbae-nim, and he’s part of the club too”.

“Nice to meet you sunbae-nim.” Yoshi bowed. “It will be great to be able to work with you this year. We hope to do well on the talent show”.

Noa smiled, sitting down beside them. He explained what his role was at the music club and how the choices for the pairs were made at the semester conclusion presentation. He also made it clear that he didn't want to put pressure on Junkyu, but that they would need to meet every day after uni to train together because it was the only way to get to know their skills and see how to work without screwing it up. At the end of the week, the two were incredibly in tune and the teacher responsible for the talent show praised them non-stop — Junkyu felt like his life was finally making sense again now that he had something besides Mashiho on his mind. He put on the headphones.

“Ya, Junkyu!” Noa waved from his car as soon as he saw the youngest boy at the bus stop. Junkyu took off the headphone and approached, thanking him again for the singing lesson the Japanese had given earlier. “You live downtown, right? How about if I give you a ride? I'm going out to eat with some friends, but I can drop you off at your home first. What do you think?”

Junkyu pondered for a long moment. He shares an apartment with Mashiho six months ago because the place was closer to college, so he didn't know if it was a good idea to arrive with him since he was still fighting with his boyfriend because of unfounded jealousy. However, he would have to wait a long time before he managed to catch the bus. He nodded.

The trip to Junkyu's house was smooth, they talked for a while, sang some songs, and enjoyed the early evening view while they were in the small traffic. Noa was good company and made Junkyu feel good — sometimes Yoshi implied that the boy was interested in Junkyu because of the way he always smiled at him — and was always willing to help him with whatever his doubts were. The Korean got out of the car thanking him for his kindness and wishing his new friend good night. As soon as he entered the house, he found Mashiho peeking out the window.

“You…?” Junkyu gestured pointing to the window and then to himself. His eyes widened. “Were you spying on me?”

“What?” Mashiho snorted, laughing nervously. “Of course not. I was cleaning the window when you arrived. It was an immense coincidence”.

“For real? And where are the cleaning supplies?” he asked putting his backpack on the floor and taking off his shoes. He knew that Mashiho had been weird for the past few months. The Japanese were more jealous, authoritarian, impatient and had suggested that they take a break despite living in the same apartment. However, he couldn’t accept the situation no matter how much he tried to say that he needed to be strong until he turned twenty, which in his case would only happen in almost half a year. Junkyu rolled his eyes and went to the bedroom. “You shouldn't spy on me, Mashi”.

“I swear it was a coincidence” Mashiho sighed letting his shoulders fall. He wasn’t a bad person, he was just confused. Everyone at that age felt that way. Minus Junkyu. He knew exactly what he wanted and wasn’t at all anxious about it. “Okay, I lied about the cleaning thing, but I didn't go there on purpose, promise. It's just that you were taking too long, and I started to worry, I went to look at the street to wait for you”.

That was the part that bothered Junkyu most, the fact that Mashiho continued to be so kind and caring, concerned as he repeated day after day that they couldn't get romantically involved until they understood their feelings. The Korean sighed.

“I won't scold you for that” he said seriously, taking off his pants to shower. “I had a tiring day, and I don't have the strength to talk about it again Mashi. You asked me for some time, you told me you were indecisive and needed to think before it was too late… you can't be acting like you're really worried about how far you are from me”.

“Junkyu…”

“Yes, I know…” he waved his hands. “You need to think and I respect that despite not understanding. For me it's all clear, you are my soul mate and we have everything to work out in the long run, but if you believe that something is missing for you it's okay” Junkyu held his own tears because he was trying to be strong. He had promised his friends that he would be strong. “I’ll wait for you with open arms when you found out who you really are and what you want for our relationship. But until then, please stop showing so much feeling because its hurts”.

“I miss you too…” Mashiho bit his cheeks. He was really confused, he had things about himself that no longer seemed to make sense and that made the Japanese question himself about the rest of his existence and, mainly, how it affected his relationships. But he still knew that his feelings for Kim Junkyu were sincere. He just didn't understand what they meant to him. “Sorry that I’m putting you through all this, Kyu. I know it's not fair. I'm so sorry”.

Junkyu wanted to cry again. It was all he had wanted to do for weeks, but he preferred to nod and go take his bath. He had promised Jihoon that he would see him that night, that he would go to a party and they would be drunk until they forgot their own names — the only good thing he had because of his friends' pity was Jihoon back as if they didn't live fighting like a dog. and cat now. He felt the curious eyes of the shorter on his back as soon as he left the bathroom. He had decided that he would take the night off to have fun.

“Do you plan to be with other people today?”

“Why would I do that?”

“You're going out after weeks…” Mashiho shrugged, pointing to the way he didn't know how to define the relationship status they had, but he knew that Junkyu was too neat for someone unimpeded. “And we agreed that it was okay if something like this happened because we aren’t really together now”.

"You decided that, not me. And we know it was to save your own reputation and ass…” Junkyu replied impatiently. He really didn't like being a rude person, treating Mashiho like that, but it seemed that the Japanese wanted to get him mad that night. “You started it, you went out with that guy and decided it would be interesting to sleep with him, Mashi. I had nothing to do with any of those decisions”.

“Hyung” Mashiho bit his lip hard, looking away because they had promised that they wouldn't touch that subject anymore. “I apologized and you said you understood.” Junkyu understood. If it had been someone else, he might have slept with someone at the first opportunity, he just wasn't comfortable with the idea that he could never have an opinion on their relationship. “If it still bothers you so much, you should be with someone tonight. I will understand if you want to do this”.

Junkyu turned to look his boyfriend in the eye. He didn’t believe that the Japanese were suggesting that madness to him. He didn't need to prove to himself that he wouldn't regret it if he chose to live with Mashiho forever. The Korean man ran a hand through his damp hair and picked up the married man, giving up on the conversation before he went crazy and said something bad.

“Junkyu-”

“I really don’t know what has been going through your mind these last few months Mashi, especially in the last few weeks when we are ‘apart’, but I am tired of it.” Junkyu interrupted the youngest, pointing a trembling finger at him as an authority. “Fuck. How many people do you need to be to become you, Mashiho?” the elder asked lowering his hand. He shook his head, feeling his eyes water with tears. “I'm starting to get tired of waiting so much to decide who I want to be: the Mashiho who says he loves me and wants to live his whole life with me, or the other, who wants to live his own life and is no longer sure what he feels for me because it's starting to drive me crazy”.

“I wish I could answer that now” Mashiho admitted for the first time out loud. He didn't really know what he wanted. “I'm sorry hyung”.

“Yeah. You’re always sorry.” Junkyu nodded impatiently, smiling with eyes full of tears. He sniffed and shrugged. “Let me know when you decide for both of us again, Mashiho. Don't wait for me today, I'm going to sleep at Jihoon”.

\- ¤ -

Humans had been damaged by the Destiny God, their eyes were bad and their hearts stupid. There were romantic people who believed that punishment for the sins of past generations was like incredibly new poems, like plays that had unexpected endings and that would live in eternal love. Kim Junkyu believed in the link of b'shert, in the love he saw emanating from his parents whenever they were in the family, in how the vast majority of his friends who were already twenty years old were happy with their soul mates — he believed so much that he had found Takata Mashiho, a student transferred from Japan when he was fifteen in the midst of a claustrophobic need to reach adulthood. He believed in love so much that he felt pathetic about having become his hostage.

“Oops!” Hyunsuk smiled a little irritated and a little confused as he took Junkyu's drink. “You just vomited, at least give your stomach time to recover, Kyu. I don't want to have to spend the night in the hospital because of a broken-hearted drunk”.

“Yeah” the taller protruded his lips sadly. He knew he was ill, that he had drunk too much and that he was probably in trouble, but he needed a single normal day. “Hyung, my boyfriend is technically not my boyfriend for almost a month and a half, but he lives in my apartment. He had sex with a random dude because he wanted to and then acted like it was all my fucking fault!” Junkyu sobbed without realizing it. He crouched on the floor, right in the middle of people, and put his hand on his face to hide his tears. “My God, I'm pathetic, don’t I? He just… god! This is so stupid”.

“Oh fuck. Somebody finds Jihoon or Yedam, please!”

Yoshinori rolled his eyes and pulled Asahi with him to where the others were crowded, beating Jihoon's ear with what was happening to Junkyu across the room. The dance student blinked his eyes wide, trying to organize his intoxicated thoughts before following others to his childhood friend — he was celebrating the success of the demonstration he had participated in the previous day with his discussion group, so he was as drunk as Kim Junkyu.

“Yeah!” Hyunsuk bowed his head and closed his eyes. He couldn't believe that the only person with a license was really drunk. They had no money to return uber, they had spent everything on the tickets and the bottles they had booked. “Why did you drink so much?”

“It's a celebration!” Jihoon defended himself by shouting too loudly, swallowing his saliva, and shrugging his shoulders when being scolded by Jaehyuk. He pointed to the other sitting on the floor of the club. “What the fuck happen with him now?”

“Mashiho gave him a free pass so he could be with whoever he wanted”.

“And why this is a bad thing?” Jihoon laughed. Junkyu stood up and looked at him angrily. The other stopped laughing automatically. “Of course it is cause for tears! My God, how could he tell you that, Kyu-ah? What an idiot!”

“You are an asshole.” Junkyu sniffed. “I know what you think about my relationship, that I’ll end up hurting myself in the end, so… well, _congratsfuckinglations_ Park Jihoon, you are really a fortune teller!”

“Kyu…” Yoshi shouted seeing his friend walking away. “Jihoon!”

“What did I say wrong?” Jihoon put his hands on his hips, analyzing the situation. The others looked at him as if something needed to be done as soon as possible. “What? I'm not going after him this time”.

“Can you stop this cat and dog fight and go back to being the best friends in the whole world?” Yedam asked, leaning on Asahi, who nodded. “I have known Junkyu hyung since I was very young but he was never as open with me as he is with you, so we need you to go talk to him in this difficult time. Please?”

“He will curse me, treat me like shit, and call me names!”

“None of this is a lie.” Asahi replied. Jaehyuk nudged him. “What? Should I have lied? Everyone knows that Jihoon is-”

“Okay. Okay. Let's not say things that start another fight, right Asahi hyung? Jihoon, just go and see if he's okay… pretty please?’

Park Jihoon loved his friends, he could do anything for them and when it’s come to Junkyu, he was able to give his own life. Of course, he would swallow his pride as he had done countless times and go to him. He sat next to the other boy on the floor and everything was silent until he heard Junkyu sobbing louder than the music outside the bathroom — there was a brief moment where they hugged each other, then Jihoon forced him out of the bathroom, asking the bartender for another drink.

“Woah!” Jihoon shouted, his eyes widening when he had an incredible idea. He pulled Jaehyuk by the shirt and pulled him towards the others, gesturing exaggeratedly with his hands. “What if we go to a karaoke?”

“Why would we go to a karaoke?” Hyunsuk asked laughing.

“Because I'm drunk and can't drive, we don't have money to get an uber for home…” Jihoon shrugged and pointed at Yedam. “His aunt owns a karaoke and I'm sure she’s in love with Yoshi. We can go there”.

“She's not in love with me!” Yoshinori complained, throwing himself on the sofa where everyone was sitting. He ruffled his own hair and rolled his eyes at Jihoon. “I already said I hate it when you say that”.

“Okay, okay, whatever. Anyway, she'll let us use a room, she always ends up leaving it when Yoshi plays his charm!” Jihoon shrugged and everyone laughed, ignoring the Japanese's complaints. It wasn’t a bad idea, they had no way to return home and the night club wasn’t so far from Yedam's aunt's establishment. Maybe going there to wait for the alcohol to get out of everyone's body was the right thing. “Can we go or…?”

“It's fine with me.” Yedam took his cell phone out of his pocket, ready to inform his aunt that his friends were going to wipe out his karaoke customers that morning. He typed in quickly. “I’ll call her”.

“Great!” Jihoon jumped excitedly, pulling Asahi and waving for the others to get up too. Everyone ended up following the boy because, in the end, they needed him to be sober enough to drive. “ _Ahjumma_ , you can put everything on our account, can't you? If we don't have an account, make one for us”.

The woman laughed at Jihoon's awkward form and nodded, waving at Yoshinori when she saw the boy she liked so much. Nobody knew this, but the woman's interest was entirely focused on her nephew, Yedam, who deserved a kind and polite soul mate like Yoshinori. The boy rolled his eyes taking the microphones from his aunt's hands, asking the others to follow him to the room they were going to use — Junkyu threw himself on the sofa at the first moment and pretended he wasn't there. He nodded to his friends singing, dancing, shouting, fighting, and repeating everything more than three times before Yedam's aunt invited them to eat at the karaoke restaurant. He refused to leave where he was because his head hurt.

“Are you going to continue with that ugly face?” Junkyu looked up, startled by Park Jihoon's sudden presence. He frowned, feeling his head hurt from alcohol. “You’ll not answer me?”

“I have nothing to say” Junkyu replied rubbing his temples, sitting up straight so the other could take a seat beside him. He refused to turn around to look directly at Jihoon, who continued to analyze his profile. “What do you want from me? I already said what happened, didn't I? Why do I need to keep talking about this?”

“I don't think you told everything…” the eldest said taking the remote to pass the music. He selected _Sorry_ from The Rose and took the microphone for his friend. “Did Mashiho did anything more than the usual?”

Junkyu stared at the mic and bit his cheeks, picking up the object and turning fully to the television screen. He really didn't want to talk about it. Not with Jihoon, who kept saying that his friend's obsession with his soul mate was too irritating and dangerous for his own heart. The music started to play in the room, the lyrics were passing without either of them accompanying it. But Junkyu said anyway because he was so sad.

“He keeps going out with other people…”

Jihoon pondered his words and decided not to say anything.

“I pretended I didn't know that” Junkyu clutched the mic in his hands, staring at his fingers. “but it's hard not to notice the laughter when he thinks I'm asleep or when he comes in late and says he was busy with college and work”.

“When are you going to break up with him?”

“He's my soul mate!”

“You don't know that.” Jihoon knitted his eyebrows. He wanted to say something different, but he couldn't. As much as he wanted to ease things up for his friend, he refused to pretend that Junkyu wasn't willingly hurting himself when he wasn't even in control of his own future. “Do you have a lot in common and get along? Yes. But this can be just a good friendship and you can end up getting hurt even more. You're already hurting yourself”

“Why are you yelling at me?” Junkyu grunted getting up. He tried to leave the room, but Jihoon was fed up with his actions and running his head over that subject. And, perhaps because they were still drunk or because of the way the music student approached, they ended up bumping into each other and crashing into the wall. Junkyu squinted when he felt the impact of his left side against the wall. “Ya, Park Jihoon…” he whimpered feeling the burning tingle in his skin. The tall boy walked away from his friend and lifted his shirt. Even though he couldn't understand the color of a bruise, or see it, Junkyu knew he was going to get a bruise because everyone learned about bruises. “Do you think I'm going to have to go to the hospital? What the fuck!”

“Ya, why are you so dramatic?” Jihoon rolled his eyes, touching the place, and hearing his friend moan in pain. He held back laughter. “It shouldn't even hurt that much…” he said, lowering Junkyu's shirt. Jihoon kept his eyes fixed on his friend's angry face and snorted impatiently. “I'm sorry, it wasn't on purpose.” however, the music student still had an irritated expression on his face. “How much do I need to pay you to take off that ugly face and smile at me? I'm tired of seeing you upset, Kyu-ah”.

Junkyu ground his teeth. He wasn't upset on purpose, he was hurt and sad because of his boyfriend. He had plausible reasons for always being mad and fed up with his whole existence — but he also knew that his friends had nothing to do with his situation and that they didn’t deserve to be dragged into the middle of that mess. He pushed Jihoon and returned to the sofa, putting the music to repeat.

“Did you forget me?” Jihoon asked. Junkyu nodded, staring at the television. “Will you break up with him someday?” there was no answer, not even a nod. The older boy smirked, taking a seat next to his friend. He took his vape out of his front pocket and was shot by Junkyu's angry eyes. “If I can't put my fingers in your life, you can't say anything about mine either…” Jihoon answered the other's silent teasing. Junkyu hated some of Jihoon’s habits because he knew that smoking was bad for his health. He pressed the button five times and moved the object in front of the others. “Stop with that look”.

“You’ll smell like marijuana…” Junkyu turned to the television again, bringing the mic to his lips when he heard the music start playing. He thought about the lyrics for a moment, realizing that Jihoon had probably chosen that title to provoke him. He felt his voice get lost in his throat because the first verse made him think about Mashiho and everything they lived together, but also everything he had stopped living with Jihoon. “I'm sorry I ignored you these months” he admitted with his head down. “I was a bad friend”.

Jihoon blew smoke from his nose and licked his lips, swallowing his saliva for not wanting to let out the words he had hidden deep in his throat. He placed the vape between his lips again, pulling deeply before bringing the microphone closer to his mouth and following the verse that was passing.

 _“... come back to me again 'cause without you_ ” Jihoon sang. He turned to Junkyu, pointing to the microphone that the musician still had in his hands. The youngest denied. “ _there’s no me anymore_ ”.

“ _I fell tired tonight, a word that you can't forget in a breeze sorry for not turning back_ ” Junkyu felt his eyes well up with tears because he hated that song, those words made him remember the day when he and Jihoon saw Mashiho with someone else before everything collapsed. “ _Sorry for selfish self of mine, the paled of the city lights…”_ he pushed the mic away and hid his face in his hands, feeling stupid for being in that place, that night, like that. Junkyu believed in love, in the colors that soul mates saw when they first met and believed in what he felt for Mashiho, so he felt sad and pathetic. He felt lonely in the world. “I fucking hate myself for being so stupid”.

“Huh.” Jihoon placed the microphone on the couch and pulled his friend into his arms, leaning against the support so they could almost lie down. They hug for a long moment. “Everyone hates themselves at some point in their lives, Kyu” he finally said to the youngest. “It's normal to feel that way and you needed to admit to yourself that you were feeling it”.

“It's not just that.” Junkyu sniffled away. He knew it was horrible, that his eyes were swollen and that his face was all dirty from crying, but he wanted to continue explaining before he lost courage. “I feel pathetic because I know we should end. Who am I trying to fool? We've been together for years and we're already breaking through whatever we've built. Even though he is my soul mate, everything points to a painful breakup. I will end up losing my eyes”.

“Do not be stupid!” Jihoon ground his teeth. “Never say such nonsense again, Kim Junkyu. You won't lose your eyes because of that asshole, do you understand me?” he grunted seriously, holding his friend's wet face in warm hands. “I know you love that idiot and that you guys have been together for some time, but you already admitted that this relationship has no future, so we will do what is necessary for you get out of this fall in love thing”.

Junkyu laughed through tears.

“You know this is kind of impossible, don't you?” he asked to frown because sometimes Jihoon could be really dumb about some things. The other rolled his eyes and nodded because he knows that was almost impossible. Junkyu wasn’t sure, but there were moments when he swore to see something other than the black and white he was used to, so it would be impossible to stop loving Mashiho since all the signs pointed out that they were really soul mates. “He may be in doubt now because there is only a year to discover the truth, but we are ridiculously compatible hyung. We will both end up blind”.

Jihoon denied impatiently, refusing to accept that nonsense. He might not accept the law of soul mates, he could go against everything they said and wish to lose his bond as soon as he found them but he wasn’t stupid. He understood the consequences of being rejected by someone and, even if Mashiho was an idiot, maybe the Japanese would end up being the reason for his best friend's blindness and Jihoon didn't want that. Junkyu deserved to be loved completely, without any doubt or obstacle, just because he was Kim Junkyu and Jihoon wanted his friend to have it all this in his twentieth year.

_Sorry even if I’m late already…_

He wanted Junkyu to forget that song and be happy.

Park Jihoon approached quickly, quietly, eager to do something about his best friend's pain. His lips close over the softness of his mouth and Junkyu felt his heart racing and his head spinning in a thousand confused thoughts.

Them he realizes…

He was kissing Park Jihoon.


	5. 4. PART 04: CAN WE START OVER?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Nothing.” Junkyu shrugged. “It's just that I was surprised to see my two best friends kissing…” he said pointing to both with disdain. He hated the way the friendship had been spoiled over the years. “I thought we had no secrets between us, you know? This surprise me”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally managed to update! I hope you are enjoying it. Let me know your opinions.

Kim Junkyu had grown up with values.

He hated the idea of ending up hurting someone because of his actions, but with Jihoon's kisses and the strong touch on his waist, he wondered if he was acting like that just because he needs revenge for the first time in his life or if he had always been that type of person: the type who betrays someone, who breaks their own promises and justifies their actions in confusing situations like those.

He doesn’t know.

Junkyu has no idea. The only thing he knew was that he had let Park Jihoon kiss him as if the world was ending, that even though his brain told him to come back to himself, he was allowing his body to be laid on the couch and his best friend to come in between his legs, pressing his hips against him so fucking harder. He let this happen.

He let out a low moan between his lips.

“Junkyu…?” Mashiho called his _boyfriend_ again, waving to him at least to get out of the trance. He had come home from work and found the eldest sitting at the study table with headphones on. At first, he thought he was studying some lyric or something from college, but then he was worried when he realized that the taller boy was too still. He came over and touched Junkyu's shoulder twice, but there was no answer. “Hyung, are you listening to me?”

Junkyu looked up in fright, dropping the pen and taking off the headphones. He should have been finishing his thesis on music history but he had ended up getting lost in his own thoughts.

The boy closed the notebook, getting up without saying a word to his ‘boyfriend’.

He was followed to the room by Mashiho.

“What happened?” the Japanese wanted to know. “It's the fifth time you ignore me and run when I ask you something…” he said referring to those last two weeks. Mashiho knew he had no right to complain when he had fucked up with his indecision and fear, he had been the first to ruin their relationship and was trying to deal with the consequences, but being ignored was starting to make him anxious. As if he knew something was wrong than before. “Did something happen that night when you went out with your friends?”

Junkyu stopped what he was doing.

He didn't know how to lie. He was good at many things but lying wasn’t one of them and he was avoiding Mashiho because he would end up telling what had happened at Yedam's aunt's karaoke. The thought made him go back to that night, to the sensation of Jihoon's warm hands on his cheeks, his best friend's lips on his, and the boy’s hands on his ass. He licked his mouth.

“Junkyu?”

“What?” he denied looking away. “No. Nothing happened”.

“Are you sure?” Mashiho asked seriously. “Because it seems that something happened and that you’re shaken by it.” the Japanese sighed sitting on the bed they used to share since they moved together. “Look, I know that what I did with us was wrong and that I cannot ask you to give me satisfaction for the things you did that night, but” the dance student shrugged. “I've been thinking a lot in these days and I realized that I hate this chasm between us”.

Junkyu felt his heart in his throat. He had promised Jihoon that he would try to fall out of love so that when b’shert’s bond end for real, he wouldn’t lose his eyes and at least be able to see in black and white. This happened the day after the kiss they had shared in karaoke and that Jihoon had completely forgotten when he woke up.

“I…”

“You don't have to answer me now…” Mashiho waved. “And you don't have to tell me what happened that night, okay? I'm just telling you this because I want you to know that I'm talking to my psychologist and I'm reevaluating my actions.” he swallowed and bit his lip hard. “I realized I was going through a difficult moment of denial. It seems that most people freak out when they’re close to turning twenty and find out who their soul mate is” he stamped his foot. “And I was really scared back then… I mean, I'm scared, Kyu. I am afraid that it will not be enough, that we will end up hurting ourselves too much and I am afraid that I’ll be the reason for the consequences that will haunt our lives if I do some shit that breaks our b’shert tie. I'm afraid of going blind”.

Junkyu frowned. Mashiho had never said anything about being afraid of losing his eyes, in fact, he seemed really comfortable with whatever consequences he would face if they’re soulmates and ended up breaking up for some stupid reason. He seemed comfortable enough to cheat on Junkyu. The music student wanted to shout about how unfair it was, how much he was willing to help the other through these moments and had been completely excluded. It was selfish. _You’re fucking selfish Mashiho_. He thinks.

Before he could say anything, he felt his phone and took a deep breath. He had to take Doyoung to his date on the other side of town and because he didn't have a car, he had convinced Hyunsuk to give them a ride. Junkyu turned and took the coat he was saving for that moment, ignoring the feeling of despair in his chest.

“Junkyu!” Mashiho shouted seeing the boy open the door. The two looked at each other, each with a different confusion. “I love you and I'm sorry for everything that I made us go through” the Japanese sighed. “Can you forgive me for being a complete idiot and for pushing you away? Can we start over?”

Kim Junkyu had met Takata Mashiho in English class when they were almost sixteen and have been friends ever since. He felt something strange in his stomach when he saw the Japanese for the first time, when he helped him with his Korean, when he made him laugh at the simplest things and when they kissed for the first time. They were compatible, everyone kept saying they’re perfect for each other and when Mashiho cheats on him, Junkyu felt like his world had been swallowed up. He thought he had never felt anything like that… until Jihoon kissed him.

It wasn't like he was doubting his feelings for Mashiho, but he felt upset and hurt the same way he felt when he saw his boyfriend with someone else. His stomach hurt, his heart was always racing and he wanted to do something to forget who he was because Jihoon had crossed a line and messed up everything — he had forgotten what he had done and was still living in his immense tranquility. Junkyu didn’t imagine that he would feel lost again.

Not with the best friend.

“I need to think” he felt his eyes tear up because he wanted to tell Mashiho that he forgave him even though he had been hurt by everything that had happened. Because he wanted to hug his boyfriend, kiss him, make love to him and watch the black and white sunrise. He wanted to put everything back in place, but he couldn't. Partly because it wouldn't be fair and partly because he didn't know how to change that without ruining what he had with Mashiho without losing Jihoon. “Excuse me. I need to think”.

The door slammed leaving Mashiho breathless inside and Junkyu with thin tears streaming down his cheeks outside. He coughed as he was startled by Hyunsuk's car and smiled tightly, wiping his face on his shirt before going down the stairs and approaching the car. His fake smile disappeared as soon as Jihoon stuck his head out the window, shouting 'my Kyu', surprising his longtime friend. _Shit_. Junkyu thought because he had been trying to avoid Park Jihoon for weeks.

“Did you see a ghost?” Jihoon asked laughing, making his eyes disappear in his face. He had removed his braces teeth. “Do you like it? I looked better without that metal thing in my mouth, didn't I?” he asked, running the tip of his tongue over his lips. Junkyu tried to say something, but his mind was in shock at the memory of what had happened in the karaoke room. Jihoon smiled. “Uh. Was I so sexy without a brace that I left you speechless?”

“Shut up!” was all he could think to say before getting into the car, sitting in the front seat. “Can we go for once hyung? Doyoung must be anxious”.

He wanted to fight with Hyunsuk for bringing Jihoon, but he knew he had no choice but to pretend he was comfortable with that situation since no one knew what had happened. Furthermore, it would be unfair to say who Hyunsuk could go out with or not — Junkyu put his head on the window and took a deep breath, trying to ignore Jihoon's happy voice echoing in his head second after second. The boy was not silent.

When they arrived at Junkyu's parents' house, Doyoung was ready and waiting for his brother. He hurriedly waved and ignored the older man's complaints, who at least wanted to kiss his mother, because he was late for his date and didn't want to waste any more time. Junkyu finally chattered like the talking person he was, interrogating his brother about the person he was going to have dinner with that night, where they had met, and why he was interested if Doyoung hated the idea of a relationship as much as the vast majority of the population.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Junkyu asked again, looking at his watch. Doyoung had said he was late, but he still hadn't got out of the car because, according to him, his date had not yet arrived. “That person must have given up on seeing you. Let's go home”.

“No, hyung. Just five more minutes”.

“No. let’s go home!”

“Junkyu, you are a bad brother.” Hyunsuk said rolling his eyes, turning to Doyoung. “Listen to your older and wiser friend, don't listen to your brother, Doyoung. He is bitter because his boyfriend is a complete idiot” said making Junkyu kick him. Jihoon laughed. “Second, is this person reliable? It must be to get you across the city, right? So just stop messing around and send a message to him asking why he’s taken so long to shows up here”.

“But…” Doyoung was going to expose how afraid he was to send a message when he stopped and leaned out the window, waving a wide smile on his face. “Hyung!” he said excitedly, opening the door and leaving accompanied by his brother and friends. “Fuck. Why did you take long?”

“You are kidding me, right?” Kim Junkyu had a disgusted expression on his face. “Yedam? Is your date with Bang Yedam? One of my friends?”

Yedam licked his lips and pinched the tip of his nose, laughing without knowing what he really should say. He wasn't expecting Doyoung to show up at the meeting with Junkyu — who was taking his brother on the first date with his possible soul mate? Nobody did that kind of thing.

“Hyung, I swear I can explain-”

“Ya!” Jihoon wrapped his arm around Yedam's shoulders, rocking the boy's body back and forth. “Did you finally take courage and admit that you like him? Wow! You are amazing Yedamie”.

“You know about this shit?”

“Everyone knew…” Hyunsuk replied placing his hands on his hips. Sometimes he forgot how dense Junkyu could be. “Why do you think he came to your parents’ house every Saturday?” he asked laughing, making Doyoung nudge his arm. “What? Everyone knows that Yedam was there just to see you, Doyoung. Junkyu who is slow and never noticed it”.

“Really? Yedam?” Junkyu opened his mouth in a perfect oval shape, incredulous at the idea that he had been deceived by his best friend for so long. Of course, he realized that Yedam treated Doyoung differently from other younger friends, but he didn't realize that he had that kind of romantic interest in the boy. It was weird. “I feel betrayed”.

“Sorry hyung.” Yedam bit his lip. “But I really like your brother and since you're here…” he felt his stomachache and kicked the air. Jihoon whispered something in his ear and the boy sighed. “I want permission to date him”.

“Do you?” Doyoung asked excitedly, taking a long step towards Yedam. He knew that the older boy was nervous about what Junkyu would say, but it was heartening to hear him say out loud that he was interested in becoming his boyfriend. “Wonderful. Isn't it wonderful, hyung?”

Junkyu alternated the look between Yedam, Doyoung, and Jihoon.

He wanted to punch the three of them.

“Fuck it!” Junkyu replied turning his back, leaving his brother and confused friends behind. He crossed the street so fast that he hardly saw the bike, which by some miracle didn’t hit him. The boy who almost stepped over his body stopped a few meters away. “Are you fucking blind?”

“Junkyu?”

“Noa hyung?” Junkyu narrows his eyes to try to see better, but his eyes were getting worse because of his age. He only recognized Noa because of his strong voice and accent. He heard Hyunsuk ask if the boy was crazy before pointing at his college friend. “Hyung, this is Noa”.

“This idiot almost hit you…” Jihoon stammered angrily, staring at the Japanese on the bike. The stranger bowed, apologizing, and turned to look directly at Junkyu. “Do you fucking know each other?”

“Yeah. From college.” Noa replied with a wide smile. “We participate in the same music club and I'm a veteran. I am sorry I almost hit you with my bike, Kyu…” the Japanese took off his helmet, tugging at his hair before getting even closer. “Ah… are you alright?”

“Huh.” Junkyu shrugged. Hyunsuk felt his chin tremble as he tried to keep his mouth shut. He wasn't sure because he didn't know 'Noa', but for some reason, maybe the way the stranger looked at Junkyu, he felt that they were both flirting. “It's all right. What are you doing here?”

“I live two blocks away. Have you forgotten?” Junkyu nodded and Noa smiled, licking his lips again. _He's clearly flirting._ Hyunsuk thought while analyzing the situation. His eyes flew to Jihoon, for the other to confirm his suspicions, but he ended up with an angry expression. He frowned and asked what was wrong with him. Jihoon ignored Hyunsuk completely. “And you?”

“I came to bring my younger brother…” he said pointing back, where Doyoung and Yedam were still standing as if they didn't want to get closer so they wouldn't get punched. “On a date with one of our best childhood friends, can you believe it? That little shit over there” he moved his finger towards Bang Yedam. “Should help me to protect my brother but that fucker has plans to get in his fucking pants”.

Noa nodded thoughtfully as if he were choosing the right words to say: should he act normally, as if he sees no problem in that whole situation or should he say something to please Junkyu and show support at that moment? The Japanese chose to remain silent and express impassiveness in his expression. Jihoon croaked impatiently, asking his friend to get in the car and leave Doyoung on his date with Yedam.

“Or you can go to a party with me!” Noa said. “I know you probably want to stay here snooping around your brother's date, but… come on. If the guy is your childhood friend you can trust him, despite the situation” the Japanese poked Junkyu in the belly the same way he did to annoy him when they were practicing in class. The youngest rolled his eyes and held Noa’s fingers, showing his tongue. “Such a baby!” they laugh. “Come with me to the party”.

“Whose party is it?” Junkyu was upset with Yedam because they always talked about how much they should protect Doyoung, but Noa was right. They were childhood friends and Yedam was trustworthy, was kind to Doyoung, and had never done anything to hurt him. Besides, he had no right to say who his brother dated or not. “Can my friends go?”

“Yeah!” Noa smiled broadly when he realized that he had convinced Junkyu. The Korean nodded firmly and handed his phone to the Japanese to put the address of the place. “I'm going home to take shower and change clothes, but you can meet me at the entrance in 15 minutes. I don't live that far” he explained, pointing to a building on the side of a square. “Oh! By the way, don't you want to go there to meet my cat? You always like to see her pictures”.

“He's allergic to cats”.

“Really?”

Still incredulous at Jihoon's intrusion, Junkyu nodded and rolled his eyes:

“I thought I told you about it?” he tries to remember because he really thinks he said something about his conditions to Noa. The Japanese laughed out loud as if he had been caught and Hyunsuk understood what Junkyu's veteran meant by 'my cat'. “What is so funny?”

“Anything. It's just that you're really cute.” Noa licked his lips. “Of course you are allergic to cats…” Japanese smiled. “It was just an excuse for you to visit my house. My cat is in Japan remember?”

“Oh!” Junkyu opened his eyes wide and opened his mouth when he understood what the Japanese meant by 'meeting my cat'. He had commented on the fact that he wasn’t on good terms with Mashiho for Noa, but he didn’t expect the other to have interested in him. “I would love to, but…” he pointed to Hyunsuk and Jihoon. “I kind of can't abandon them”.

Jihoon rolled his eyes.

“I see…” Noa nodded, biting the corner of his mouth. “But you will have other chances to visit my apartment… right?”

Junkyu felt his stomach ache. He, not that he remembered, had been courted in his entire existence. Mashiho found out about his feelings because of Jihoon's big mouth, so it wasn't common for someone to hit on him. _Why is he smiling like that?_ He thought biting his cheeks inside. Noa had turned twenty years a few weeks ago. Junkyu saw him cry in the bathroom saying that his soul mate was someone who was far away — a boy named Choi Raesung — and dating someone else at that moment. They were trying to deny the call for some reason that Junkyu was unaware of, so it was embarrassing to be in the middle of that situation and still be possibly blushing in front of someone who saw just that damn red color.

He automatically touched his cheeks to feel the temperature.

“Cute…” Noa smiled broadly, confirming Junkyu's embarrassing doubts. Hyunsuk frowned. Choi Hyunsuk was twenty-one, but his eyes were still bad, which could mean many things, (1) his soulmate wasn’t yet twenty, (2) his soulmate wasn’t yet living in the same place as him, or (3) his soul mate had a defect and could not feel b'shert's bond. “It suits you”.

“Ya!” Hyunsuk's eyes widened. “Aren't you ashamed of hitting on him if you're already attached to someone?” Junkyu pinched his friend because that was a delicate matter. Noa blinked in embarrassment and took a step back, dropping his hand. Jihoon forgot how to breathe. He looked at Junkyu as if he wanted to understand what Hyunsuk was referring to, but all he saw was a lot of black and white. It was necessary for the shorter to explain for Jihoon to understand: Junkyu was flushed and Noa could see that. The dancer looked at his friend. “This is a ridiculous dude. And he has a boyfriend!”

“Hyung!” Junkyu pulled Hyunsuk by the arm and smiled sheepishly at Noa, waving his other hand to go. “We'll see you at the party, Noa hyung. Be careful not to hit anyone else with the bike tonight…” he pushed Hyunsuk into the car and looked at him angrily. “What the hell was that Choi Hyunsuk?”

“That fucker has a soul mate and was clearly hitting on my friend. Should I have been quiet and pretending I hadn't noticed that asshole moves?”

“First of all,...” Junkyu flapped the older man's forehead, who gritted his teeth and complained of pain. “You were rude to a friend who is very kind and dear to me.” Jihoon snorted again, crossing his arms on the seat behind the car. Junkyu ignored him. “Second, his soul mate is in Japan and has someone else, hyung. They are still trying to figure out what to do because they discovered it through a video call!”

Hyunsuk blinked in a daze.

“Can you find your soul mate through video?” he had never stopped to think about it because, technically, most people only met their b’shert links through touch. Maybe he should go back to the dating apps. “What if my soul mate is from Japan?”

“Why would they be?” Junkyu rolled his eyes. “You are probably from group one, hyung. It is very likely that your b’shert link is one of our youngest friends because of your stupidity. Fate would not give you an impossible romance because it must be tedious to choose for you”.

“Ya, Kim Junkyu!” Hyunsuk shouted pulling the boy by the hair, giving him a neck key. “How dare you treat me like this?”

“Hyung, you are twenty-one and still haven't found-”

“The person may not have turned twenty yet!” Hyunsuk interrupted him angrily, dropping his head and sitting up straight. He hated that. “And what do you say about yourself? Who hasn't even turned twenty and is already getting reject…” he replied, hurt. “You are as miserable as I am, Junkyu”.

Junkyu stopped smiling. He knew he was fucked, but he didn't need to hear that from Hyunsuk's mouth either. Jihoon and his stupid opinion about Mashiho were enough — he looked in the car mirror, catching a glimpse of his best friend in the back seat. _Stupid Park Jihoon_. He thought impatiently, pretending he didn't care about Hyunsuk's words. He put on his seat belt and typed the address into the GPS.

That subject was buried in the fake smiles of Junkyu when Noa found them in front of the nightclub where they would meet the Japanese friends. Jihoon just kept his irritated expression and sat on the couch, watching people talk and dance as if the world was an easy place to live and everything was perfect — he had to come up with a campaign to be presented to the debate committee in three days about the lack of reception programs for people without soul mates. He wanted the government to create some measure of support for those people neglected by the simple fact that they did not have a half or were abandoned. Instead, he decided to accompany Hyunsuk because he missed Junkyu, and had ended up alone on the sofa in a nightclub.

“Do you speak English?” a boy with long hair asked sitting next to Jihoon on the couch. He knew that Noa, Junkyu's friend, introduced them, but he didn't remember what the boy's name was. Jihoon nodded. “I’m Ethan”.

“Jihoon”.

“Jihoon...” Ethan nodded smiling. “Are you friends with Noa?”

“Nop”.

“Oh.” the foreigner licked his lip, following the Korean's gaze as far as Noa and Junkyu were talking. Hyunsuk had already disappeared with some girl in the middle of the party. “Why don't you stop wasting time protecting your friend and come and dance with me?” Ethan asked making Jihoon look at him with a clear question in his expression. “Maybe Noa let out that you are the very protective type. Like a faithful dog”.

“It's not so extreme”.

“And yet here you are watching him while you could just be enjoying yourself…” Ethan stood up, extending his hand. “With me”.

Jihoon pondered for a long moment but decided to get up and let himself be taken to the middle of the dance floor. He didn't even remember when they started drinking and sweating so much in the middle of the dance floor. He felt two hands firmly on his hips and laughed as he hugged Hyunsuk, who had something he couldn’t identify what was on his face. He knew it was something sticky and he considered the possibility that it was something worse than lipstick and wiped his hand on his pants, frowning with disgust from the older man. Hyunsuk shrugged suggestively and shrugged his shoulders to the rhythm of the music that was playing. The three — Ethan was committed to getting what he wanted from Jihoon — danced close to the crowd, as if they really didn't give a shit what others might think and, even if the sweat on their bodies was particularly disgusting, they ended up passing almost five songs in that mess of bodies and hands.

Ethan follows Jihoon to the bathroom, where the youngest sat at the sink and took out a reefer from his pocket. Ethan smiled excitedly and approached, watching the way the other boy took some long strands of hair from his face and put the marijuana cigarette between his thin lips — he pulled the smoke out of Park Jihoon's mouth easily, spreading his hands over his thighs. They kissed in that position, with smoke between their lips and sweat running down the corners of their mouths. The Korean dug his fingers into Ethan's damp hair and pulled him closer, sticking his tongue in the boy's mouth and savoring the taste of tequila and marijuana. If it weren't for Hyunsuk he would have gone further.

“My bad.” the older laughed leaning against the wall. He swallowed and breathed heavily, reaching out to ask for some reefer. Ethan cut the space between them, taking care to put the cigarette between the shorter lips. For some reason, Hyunsuk took the foreigner's look like a question. “If it's okay with you, Ji…”

“Yah. Go ahead.” Jihoon smiled taking the vape out of his pocket. He didn't usually carry marijuana when he was in public places, but the idea they had was to leave Doyoung at the meeting and go home to smoke at Hyunsuk's. That was why he had made two marijuana cigarettes and refueled his vape before because he wanted to get high. He watched his friend kiss Ethan and smiled, bringing the device to his mouth. “Someone wants? It's pure…” he said coughing, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth as he laughed. Ethan laughed and turned around, finishing the cigarette he still had between his fingers and taking the vape. “And stop monopolizing him!”

Hyunsuk laughed at his friend, holding Ethan around the waist as he helped him walk back to Jihoon. The three looked at each other and Hyunsuk stood on tiptoe to reach his friend, who returned the kiss by holding the back of his neck while he squeezed the foreigner's ass. Ethan laughed amusedly and came over to participate in the kiss, and that's when the bathroom door opened again. Jihoon walked away first, opening a smile that froze on his face when he found Junkyu standing in the doorway. He looked away, pulled his hair out of his face, and left the sink while turning off the vape and stuffing it back in his pocket — no one in their group of friends knew that Jihoon and Hyunsuk were… experiencing certain things together.

“You two?”

“It’s just… for fun.” Jihoon clicked his tongue and leaned against the cold wall, facing Hyunsuk who seemed apprehensive. Junkyu always complained about the eldest not striving to find his soul mate for being like the dance student, a non-romantic. “What's wrong with that?”

“Nothing.” Junkyu shrugged. “It's just that I was surprised to see my two best friends kissing…” he said pointing to both with disdain. He hated the way the friendship had been spoiled over the years. "I thought we had no secrets between us, you know? This surprise me”.

Jihoon laughed sarcastically.

“It's not a secret” Hyunsuk replied. “It's just… it didn't make sense to tell you because this doesn't mean anything. We're just enjoying life”.

“For real?” Junkyu nodded. “I hope your soul mate isn't a jealousy person. It will be strange to explain the things you did for fun with one of your childhood friends, Hyunsuk hyung…” he replied crossing his arms, unable to accept the second betrayal in his night. “This is pathetic”.

“The way it will be pathetic when you need to explain to your soul mate that you fucked one of your friends because you were too impatient to wait for them?” Jihoon said without thinking twice, making Hyunsuk's eyes widen. “You don’t have to say shit to us, Junkyu. I at least refuse to want a soul mate, Hyunsuk will probably have to wait a few years for his. What about you? What will happen in a year huh? You’ll fuck Mashiho and your real soulmate?”

Junkyu croaked in surprise at his friend's aggression and turned away, leaving him irritated by the whole situation. He said goodbye to Noa and left the club, feeling his face sore from the cold of the night. He looked around and crossed the street, waving at the first taxi he saw passing and, without even looking back or worrying about how things would get between the three of them, go back to the place he should never have left that night.

He sniffed, kneeling beside the bed, where Mashiho slept peacefully. Junkyu smiled sadly and ran his fingerprints over his boyfriend's warm cheeks, watching as his lashes trembled before his eyes opened. The older one licked his lips and leaned in quickly, closing the distance between them with a kiss.

Mashiho sat up, confused.

“Hyung…”

“Let's try Mashi” Junkyu swallowed, holding his boyfriend's warm hands in his. Mashiho opened the most gentle and happy smile he had in months. The older man's heart warmed, and he felt that strange sensation in his stomach once again. “Let’s just forget about everything and start over”.


	6. 5. PART 05: WHEN WE VENUS I SWEAR TO MARS*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm sorry, Kyu.” Jihoon gasped looking away. It was the pain that people said they felt when a link was being denied. That was the feeling in Junkyu's heart saying that he didn't want to be Jihoon's soul mate, that he preferred a black world to be loved by him. The music student sobbed, unable to hide how much it hurt him. “Sorry to have done this to us. You deserved to be with the person you really love” he said with his head down. Hyunsuk helped him to stand up and Park Jihoon bowed in embarrassment. “I'll end this up for you”.

Kim Junkyu believed in many things in his life.

He believed in the link of b’shert. In the love that his parents had, in the captivating smile of his younger brother, in his best friends, and, above all, he believed that his intuition never confused him and was always right. Unlike the vast majority, he believed he could see the odds that linked him to Takata Mashiho from the first moment he saw him enter the classroom when they were almost sixteen and were getting to know the universe in countless ways. He believed he would get old alongside the Japanese, would live happily and, in addition, would be surrounded by his best friends. Maybe it all led him to have a meeting with everyone, right after he officially returned with Mashiho so that they would stop straying so much and start to trust each other again.

He also decided to accept that Yedam flirted with Doyoung because he didn’t want to see his brother bitter because of his differing opinions about the situation. Furthermore, he decided that he would stop teasing Park Jihoon and his stupid choices. That he would stop paying attention to the things his childhood friend said to him without thinking about the consequences — the things he did and forgot the next day. He decided to start over as if nothing had happened, as if Mashiho had not broken his heart and his friends had stepped on his trust countless times.

Junkyu decided that he would forget everything and live happily.

“Happy birthday!” he shouted popping the confetti on Jihoon's head, who rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth listening to his friends celebrate with a cake in his hands. He danced excitedly. “Congratulations on finally turning twenty hyung. I hope you are happy and that you can live well in your black and white world when you reject your b’shert tie”.

He decided that he would stop imposing his thoughts about soul mates, especially with Jihoon. If they wanted to live in a world of shadows and bad eyes let them. Junkyu would only care about his fate alongside Takata Mashiho.

“Maybe the person will be someone we knew?” Jaehyuk asked taking a piece of cake for Asahi. Everyone knew they were together and wanted to be soulmates. Junkyu thinks about that for some moment. Maybe Jihoon could end together with some girl that follows him on campus. “I bet you are one of those girls who live chasing you in college…”

“Whatever.” Jihoon sat down again, taking the party hat off. “In the end, we will go back to step one. Black and white world”.

“Or maybe you end up liking the person” Doyoung said sitting on Yedam's leg. Junkyu rolled his eyes at that and sat next to his boyfriend, bringing a spoonful of cake to his mouth. “You never know, hyung. They say that the tie is so strong that you almost want to die for the person”.

“It is so strong that the people in group one split up almost every time they meet” Jeongwoo replied poking his older brother. He didn't want to live in a black and white world, but he needed to be realistic. “Hyung is probably in group one. That's why he is so annoying”.

“May fates hear you. It will give me less headache if that is the case”.

“Yedam!” Junkyu kicked his friend, interrupting the subject, when the youngest leaned over to kiss Doyoung, right after saying that everyone was an idiot and that he couldn't wait to turn twenty to realize what he already had with his boyfriend. “He's my brother, you son of a bitch. Disgusting!”

“Ya…” Doyoung laughed. “Why are you so jealous?” he asked, massaging the spot where his boyfriend had been hit. He pointed to Mashiho and then to his brother. “Mashi, you should control this idiot”.

“I'm sorry, Doyoung. Your brother does what he wants”.

Everyone laughed. They sat in circles and chattered, sang happy birthday again, other random songs. They played a few games, ate and ordered drinks, some smoked marijuana, and — before Haruto, Jeongwoo and Junghwan arrived — talked about silly issues like who was the bottom and the top. That's when they found out that Jaehyuk and Asahi had already come a long way in what they called ‘non-relationship’. And that Yedam kissed well.

“If I were to date one of you, who would it be?” Haruto thought for a brief moment, looking at all his friends. He pointed at Junkyu without any fear and smiled widely. “Junkyu hyung. For sure”.

“Why him?” Park Jeongwoo asked visibly irritated, making his brother, Jihoon, squint thoughtfully. “Junkyu have Mashi hyung!”

“I don’t care. Hyung is handsome, tall, has a beautiful smile and he’s so fucking funny and kind with me”.

“Me too!” Jeongwoo complained. “You can date me”.

Everyone laughed, except Jihoon. He didn't want to be hearing his brother confess to his friend, it was stupid. The dance student sank down on the couch and was silent as everyone debated why Haruto should give Park Jeongwoo a chance and where they should go on their first date. At the end of the night, Yoshinori forced the younger ones to get into Hyunsuk's car and drove them home, thanking their mothers for letting them stay late that particular day then he went to his own apartment, wondering when he would get a confession or when he would find his soul mate. He doesn't say much about it, but seeing his friends heading towards their loves made the Japanese question when fate would allow his soul mate to find him. Part of him thought he was defective because he was twenty years old and still saw everything black and white.

He sent another birthday message to Jihoon before sleeping alone in his apartment. He needed to forget about it and live without worries, without heartache, just like his friend. He could live in a world with bad eyes, he didn't have to worry about being complete.

Unlike Yoshinori, Jaehyuk and Asahi decided that — since they had told their friends that they were 'dating' — they would sleep together that night and said goodbye, thanking Mashiho for the ride.

“Do you want me to pick you up tomorrow or will you go straight to class?” Mashiho asked, fixing a messy lock of Junkyu's hair. His boyfriend would go out with friends and he would come home alone because he needed to finish a paper. Junkyu would go straight to college because he knew he would wake up late. “Okay then. I see you at night. Don’t do anything crazy!”

“You can let us take care of him, Mashi.” Hyunsuk smiled suggestively. They would be very drunk. “Come home safely”.

“Take care of my boyfriend or I'll kill you both”.

Jihoon nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and walked away from the car. Mashiho disappeared with Junkyu still waving at him from where they were standing. The three looked at each other briefly and smiled. They went straight up to the terrace of the Hyunsuk building, where they used to drink on holidays like birthdays — Junkyu sat in his soft armchair and took a beer.

“Fuck…” Jihoon asked looking at the sky. “I know I say I don't care about this soul mate thing, but damn I really want to see the color of the sky at night you know? From the stars…” he smiled widely, thinking about how his mother liked to watch the meteor fall and tried to describe the colors to her kids in the past. “I really want to see the color of the sky in the morning too”.

“My untie says it's blue…” Junkyu lay down in the armchair, looking at the sky. He sipped his drink with difficulty and spoke patiently again. “She says it's the color she sees. Which is a beautiful color, reminiscent of the cold and the sea during the day. It must be a beautiful color, don't you think? The sea is beautiful, so the sky must be beautiful too”.

“Must be.” Hyunsuk said thoughtfully. “Do you think Yoshinori and I will ever meet our soul mates?” he asked suddenly, staring at the bottle between his cold fingers. For a while, he had been thinking about the idea that maybe he doesn’t have someone. Like the people Jihoon defended. “He is afraid of being alone…” the shorter swallowed. “Me too. I’m afraid too”.

“You won't be alone.” Jihoon sat facing his best friend. He had known Hyunsuk since before they were born. Their mothers were longtime friends and had raised the two together. “I will always be with you, hyung. Fuck that soul mate idea, you can marry me and have all that romantic shitty cliché you want to have in your life. You won't be alone”.

Junkyu smiled. He knew that Jihoon would do anything for his friends and it was kind of him to say that he would marry Hyunsuk so that he would not be alone and sad in the universe. Even if it meant living without love.

“And Yoshinori…?” Jihoon pondered. “It's fine with me to be a couple of three. I was never a jealous person and I can share you two”.

Hyunsuk laughed, shouting about his friend is lying.

“You are jealous of Junkyu with his own shadow!”

“This’s different.” Jihoon defended himself. “Junkyu is like a lost puppy who needs protection, someone needs to take care of him. It's not jealous”.

“Really?” Hyunsuk rolled his eyes. “Keep saying that, maybe one day we won't end up really believing in that” he smiled broadly, sarcastically. Junkyu kicked him in the shin and snorted impatiently with that. “But for real, sometimes I'm afraid I was born without a link”.

“You know, I spent most of my life thinking about the day I would turn twenty and find out who my soul mate was without worrying about the fact that that person could be much younger than me or that person living in another country” Junkyu said thoughtfully. “I didn't stop to think about all the possibilities because Mashiho seemed so close. But now, with only three months for my birthday and five for his, I am afraid of how it will be. I'm afraid he'll freak out again and leave me. Or that we end broke up for some reason”.

Jihoon stopped what he was doing to hear his friend. He knew that Junkyu was afraid of being alone too, of not get the love he wanted so badly, and of ending with a broken heart but hearing him speak out loud made the dancer want to hug his friend. He wanted to hug them both, Hyunsuk for having been waiting for almost two years for his soulmate and the other for being living with his b'hert link and having suffered so much.

“Only, after everything that happened, I told myself that everything would be fine as long as I loved myself. Even if he freaks out and leaves, even if our bond is broken” Junkyu bit his lip. “I need to be strong and keep living because I'm too young. If separation and loneliness are what Fate has for me, so let it be that way. I will learn to be happy that way and you must learn it too. If you are defective or rejected, do not forget that your life is important and that the love you have for your own existence is greater than any disappointment”.

Jihoon smiled for the first time in the night. He liked to hear that because it was the way he remembered Junkyu: optimistic, smiling, and sincere.

“Let's live without fear of what may happen!” Jihoon said raising the beer bottle to make a toast at that moment. He had missed it. “We are the three musketeers, and nothing will shake us in this world. Fuck Fate, let's show that we can be happy together regardless of what happens when the verdict day”.

Junkyu and Hyunsuk looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“Jesus Christ, you spoke as if we were going to face another catastrophe and we were going to die, Ji hyung.” Junkyu stood up, throwing himself on his friend who held him by the hip and rolled his eyes. “But thanks for being here for us and offering to take care of our soft asses. I will tell Yoshi that he is now in a relationship with us”.

Hyunsuk smiled widely, enjoying the idea of spending the rest of his life with his best friends. If fate wanted him to be without his soul mate, let him at least allow him to have Junkyu and Jihoon forever. Yoshinori would probably be ashamed, but he would live well with the three of them if they continued to be educated and had good jobs.

He got up and raised the bottle too.

That was the first of many nights on the terrace of Park Jihoon's building, with drinks, marijuana, music, conversation, and laughter thrown in the wind. Sometimes Yoshinori would show up and celebrate any banality with them, at other times it was just Hyunsuk and Jihoon because Junkyu was busy with college — sometimes the musician passed by and they ate together, laughed, and played a few games. Those were the quietest, most welcoming, and happy months for everyone until Yedam broke up with Doyoung and the group got away a little because of the situation. Until Junkyu punched Yedam in the face and Doyoung decided to move on even though he knew he loved the eldest with all his heart.

It was like that for a long time, until Junkyu had his birthday and, thanks to Haruto, everyone was forced to meet on Jihoon's terrace to celebrate. And the night was confusing, there were moments of deep silence and uncertainty on all sides — the birthday boy laughed in an awkward moment, Yedam had apologized to Doyoung for breaking up with his boyfriend and asked if they couldn't talk. At first, nobody really understood what was going on, but then Junkyu pointed to the watch on his wrist and commented that he was born at that time.

And there was nothing. No color. Mashiho was sitting next to Junkyu with an apprehensive look, his eyes were wide and his lips were trembling because he didn’t know what his boyfriend was feeling at that moment — Junkyu needed to wait some more time before the b'shert bond was finally ripe because Mashiho was still nineteen.

“Happy birthday hyung.” the Japanese smiled even though he was sad to make his boyfriend wait for more for him. “In a few months we will discover our color and it will be the happiest day of our lives. I love you today, tomorrow, and forever. Thank you for being in my life”.

Junkyu felt his eyes water and leaned over to kiss his boyfriend.

“Yedam!” they were startled by Doyoung's shout. “If my brother could wait years for Mashi and will still have to wait another month, that's fine to me too hyung…” Doyoung smile at the love of his life. “I'll wait for you”.

“You will?” Yedam stood up surprised, approaching Doyoung. Nobody knew, but the singer had received a strange diagnosis at the time when he broke off with Doyoung. He was getting serious treatment and needed to stay focused on getting better, so he preferred to walk away because he knew that Doyoung would end up getting hurt if he didn't get well. In case he ended up dying. “But what if I don't get better?”

“What?” Yoshi asked confused. “What are you two talking about?”

Doyoung opened and closed his mouth without knowing what to say.

“I have hepatitis C.” Yedam swallowed. Everyone got silent automatically. Nobody but Doyoung had any idea what was going on because Yedam didn't want to alarm anyone. “But the doctors think everything will be fine. I have already started treatment and may not need a transplant” he stared at the floor because he was ashamed. He didn't want to cause anybody trouble. “That's why I broke up with him. I went for a blood test and found out”.

“How did it happen?” Haruto asked in a choked voice. Jeongwoo hugged him by the shoulders and asked him to be calm. “Hyung, you should have had told us when you find out. We could have helped”.

“I was scared “ Yedam bit his lip. “And in the beginning, the doctors didn't think I could do it because my immune system was so bad. I'm sorry that I hidden it from you all”.

“Everything is fine now” Jaehyuk smiled placing his hand on Yedam's shoulder, squeezing gently. He wanted to cry. “Nobody here is in a position to judge you, everyone hides something. But now that we know, we're going to take more care of you and help you through it, okay?”

Yedam nodded. Junkyu went in between them and hugged his friend. He had seen the boy grow up with Doyoung, they were friends and they loved each other although they always ended up fighting over the last piece of meat. The older boy hated himself for not being more attentive and asking more about what was going on — he felt terrible for having punched Yedam.

“If you don't stop crying, I'll keep crying!” he sobbed hiding his face in Junkyu's neck, making everyone laugh while crying. The group of friends approached and, between sobs, hugged each other until their arms were aching from their position. Mashiho asked everyone to shout their requests to the universe, instead of being directed to Junkyu, it should be done in the name of Bang Yedam, so that the boy would be fine soon. “Thank you all for that”.

Asahi opened his mouth to say something, but the situation was interrupted by Junkyu's shout. The boy, who adores an adult, had dropped his beer bottle on the floor and the glass had spread out. Mashiho approached asking if he was okay and was answered with a startled and wide-eyed look. Yoshi asked them not to move so they wouldn't cut themselves and ordered Junghwan to get a broom.

“What did you do?” Doyoung asked angrily. “You ruined Asahi hyung's moment of reflection! You two can't control yourself!”

Junkyu put his hand over his mouth.

“What?” Jihoon repeated angrily. “What?!”

“Ya…” Junkyu pointed to the broken bottle on the floor. "I swear this not black and white” he licked his mouth boldly, crouching down to see the glass more closely. But his eyes were seeing black and white. The usual color. Unlike a few minutes ago that swore to have seen that same object different from the others. “That's so fucking weird”.

“Junkyu, we know that your connection with Mashiho is strong, but now that you are twenty years old you have to wait for him to reach the right age before going out there freaking out and saying he can see some color for Jesus sake…” Jaehyuk sighed, sweeping the broken glass. “You must have seen a glimpse”.

The boy considered the idea for a moment. It made sense. He had seen glimpses of other colors before he turned twenty, and he knew it was normal, most people who had strong connections to their relationships managed moments like that — maybe he was so moved by the whole situation that he thought he really saw one. concrete color. Even though he didn't quite know how to distinguish what was color or not.

He stood up embarrassed and bowed:

“I'm sorry for scaring you” he said softly, projecting his lips. Mashiho smiled finding his boyfriend cute and kissed him hard on the cheek. “Yedamie, I'm sorry I disturbed your moment”.

“Don’t worry hyung.” Yedam laughed. “Doyoung had already spoiled everything anyway.” he said shrugging, looking directly at the only boy who had softened his heart. He smiled widely. “And I think I'll have to ask you for permission to date your brother again. What do you think?”

Junkyu tightened his jaw.

“Are you sure you won't die today?” he asked provocatively, suggesting that he would kill the youngest for that stupid question. Everybody laughed. Hyunsuk shouted for Junkyu to stop being an idiot and allow them to be together and Yoshi agreed even though he was busy with the glass. “If you break up with him again, I swear it won't be hepatitis that will kill you”.

“I’ll stay by your side today, tomorrow, and forever, Yedamie”.

Everyone knew that even Junkyu with his silly jealousy and the need to protect his younger brother knew that Doyoung would stay by Yedam's side forever if it was their choice. Even if they had to become black and white, they loved each other enough to do anything for each other. And it was like that for a long time — just like it was for Junkyu and Mashiho. Asahi and Jaehyuk. Haruto and Kim Jeongwoo. They stayed together for as long as they believed to be ‘forever’ regardless of what would happen in the future.

The future came first for Asahi and Jaehyuk. They both had a birthday in the same month, just five days apart — Mashiho would turn twenty-two weeks after them. Everyone pretended it was new that they are soul mates. They saw yellow. They told euphoric friends that the sun that was so hot was the color of their souls, that some daisies had a yellow middle, and others had yellow petals. They saw only one color. One-color was enough.

“I think they will be together forever even though they are in the first group, you know? They are too good together.” Hyunsuk commented passed the cigarette to Jihoon. They were on the terrace celebrating the promotion of the dancer. “I'm happy for those idiots”.

“Huh.” Jihoon nodded venting the smoke. He had been thoughtful for some time and the older man was pretending he hadn't noticed. The dancer reached out and messed up the smoke that escaped his lips, stirring the air from side to side. Jihoon was high. “We should go to a nightclub, hyung”.

“Don't you get tired of going to these parties?”

“No. I get tired of being alone with my mind…” he answers suddenly, sitting up. He felt his lungs hurt, as well as his head. His eyes were burning, his heart was still racing hour after hour and he no longer remembered how many weed he had smoked up to that very moment. He took the jacket he had received from his mother when he visited her in Busan. “I'm fucking bored”.

Hyunsuk preferred to stay at home, but he knew that Jihoon was weird and needed to distract his head. He nodded, texted Junkyu, and took the car key. They went to the club they always went to, where the koala-smiling boy had seen the two of them kissing for the first time — that day they both felt strange things. Hyunsuk almost wondered about his feelings for Jihoon and the other… well, he was too high, but he had woken up the next day with the feeling that something was wrong with him. Mashiho left his boyfriend in front of the club and asked him to be careful, not to drink too much.

He didn’t usually participate in that type of celebration because that was the special moment of the three musketeers — Hyunsuk, Junkyu, and Jihoon were longtime friends. They had literally brought the group they called brothers to live and were like the parents of the younger ones. Of course, their friendship was different, so everyone respected them when they decided to go out alone. They were like glue and so it was understandable.

Hyunsuk leaned against the wall, watching Jihoon dance like the good dancer he was — he was getting everyone's attention with the movements of his hips and it was clear to the eldest that his friend was looking for trouble because he always ended up approaching someone with the company. Perhaps that is why Junkyu let himself get drag to the dancing floor.

“Limits!” Junkyu shouted putting his friend's hands back on his waist. Jihoon sometimes ignored the fact that the other had a boyfriend and that those jokes were not funny at all. Jihoon got too close, laughing and sticking out his tongue as if he wanted to lick Junkyu. “Stop that!”

“It's a joke, it's a joke!” Jihoon laughed holding his friend by the hip, pressing his back against his body without letting him escape to make Hyunsuk end the night. Junkyu tried to get rid of the dancer's grip, but of course, the older one had his means of making him weak. Jihoon kissed the back of his neck laughing. “Why are you being so annoying about it? I always played with you like that because you’re my Kyu, remember?”

“That was before Mashiho, Jihoon.” which technically made years. Jihoon released his friend and rolled his eyes. He turned to look for someone else to dance with, and before Junkyu could really beg them to go home, he felt his head hurt and his eyes sting. For an instant he couldn't even see a foot in front of him, everything was dark. “Hyung…”

“What?” Jihoon's worried voice brought Junkyu back to himself, making him shake his head. The dancer helped him out of the crowd and asked Hyunsuk to get some water. “Are you feeling sick?”

“I don't know” Junkyu sipped the water. “My head has been driving me crazy these last days. I keep losing sight”.

Hyunsuk and Jihoon looked scared.

“What?”

“Like…” Junkyu passed his hand in front of his eyes, following the movement that for a moment seemed totally different from the rest of the things he saw in front of him. Like a lighter blur. “Like on my birthday, when I swore, I saw the color of the bottle. My head hurt a lot and my eyes got confused” he licked his lips anxiously. Mashiho would have a birthday in a few days and maybe that was the feeling that everyone claimed to feel when they first saw their soul mate. “I think I'm starting to see better”.

Jihoon felt his mouth go dry.

“So the b’shert tie is finally showing?” he asked, surprised. Junkyu used to keep it to himself when he thought he could see a glimpse of color because he didn't want to be rushed too much, but Mashiho would be twenty soon and everyone was waiting for the effects. “Then why do you look scared? What's it?”

“It's scary…” he said, swallowing. “Asahi and Jaehyuk said that it is incredible, that they feel complete now and it is as if there had never been another person in the universe. But it scares me because it's what I want most in life, so I feel anxious every day”.

“It's natural. You are one of those people who were lucky enough to meet your soul mate early. What you and Mashi have is incredible and making it real with the bond must be surreal…” Hyunsuk laughed putting his hand on his friend's shoulder. It was cute to see him so anxious to find the love of his life completely. “But it will be okay, Kyu. You two are going to be amazing together and I'm sure your relationship will be full of love and all that sweet cliché you want so badly to have”.

Junkyu laughed sheepishly because he was really anxious.

“Shit.” he laughed. “I really can't wait for him to turn twenty’.

And Mashiho turned twenty. A few days after that strange and troubled night, having dinner with all his friends. He turned twenty and Junkyu felt the strongest pain of his entire life, screaming as he pressed his head and his ears were sensitive to the loud voices — with Hyunsuk's grunt and the desperate cry of the person he loved most in the world.

Takata Mashiho turned twenty on Friday, Junkyu passed out at the exact moment without knowing what color he had first seen and — despite what the doctor said — left the hospital without knowing exactly what he should do from that moment on. Should he be happy or sad about his eyes?

He stopped when he saw Jihoon standing in front of his apartment, right next to Hyunsuk. Junkyu hurriedly got out of the car, his eyes were fixed on the lawn in confused and blinding colors while his heart was beating too hard in the back of his throat. Doyoung tried to help him get past them, but it was impossible, Jihoon's touch on his skin burned and made him want to curse and cry at the same time. Yedam pushed him away.

“I need to talk to you!” Hyunsuk licked his lips, holding his tousled hair in his hands the way he did when he was too nervous. “Please, Kyu”.

“I don’t have anything to talk with you.” Junkyu said sarcastically, finally looking up. He was startled by the confused explosion that came into his eyes and almost whimpered in pain. _Chaotic_. It was the best definition for his b’shert tie. Seeing anything other than black and white was confusing. Passing out with bad eyes and waking up the next day with even worse eyes, chaotic and disturbed by a mixture that Junkyu didn’t understand. Nothing made sense to him and his ridiculous vision. “What else do I have to hear hyung? Huh?”

Hyunsuk opened and closed his mouth. Doyoung asked him to leave.

“Please, hyung” Yedam reinforced. “He just left the hospital and the doctor said he needs to rest for the next exams. You need to give a little space”.

“You just need to get out of my view forever” Junkyu made it clear, squeezing his temples. Jihoon tried to take a step towards his best friend. They look at each other. “Stay the fucking away from me!”

“Kyu-ah…”

“Fuck you, Park Jihoon!” Junkyu ground his teeth. His eyes watered when a confused flash crossed them and the boy shook his head, groaning at the pressure he felt. “Why didn't you say anything to me?”

Doyoung pushed Jihoon away from his brother and pulled him, taking the key to the apartment that was probably empty since dawn.

“What should I have said?” Park Jihoon shouted making them turn around. He was crying. “What could I have said to change everything?”

Junkyu felt his heartache because he knew it was true. No one could change the inevitable, fate had done that and it was impossible to change things. But they should have said something, they should have said they were sorry, and they didn't want things to be that way. Jihoon should have told the truth instead of pretending just to save Hyunsuk.

“You have no idea how I'm feeling, do you?” Junkyu asked going down the step, coming face to face with them. This was worse than anything he had imagined. “You heard me cry, talk about how desperate I felt and how afraid I was of things going wrong…” he said wiping his cheeks and letting himself feel the pain of that mental confusion that was his new eyes. He pointed at his face as if he wanted them to see the pain he was feeling now that he could see the fucking universe. “Hyung, if you knew this was going to happen to me why did you let me have so much high hope? Huh?”

Hyunsuk didn’t know how to answer. He wanted, really, but he was also confused and was suffering. That red tip on Junkyu's nose because of the tears weren’t what Hyunsuk wanted to see, he wanted the black and white world so that things would go back to how they were before, and everything would be fine. He didn't want any of that to happen to them.

“Because I love you…” the boy narrowed his eyes and shouted in fear of his best friend's answer. Junkyu blinked in a daze. When he woke up in the hospital the first thing he really saw was the ceiling. He was confused, a blur of something totally different from the black and white that Junkyu was used to. And the scariest thing for the boy at that very moment was to realize that he had seen that exact color before. _Blue_. He knew it was blue because he had gone to his old room one time, where he left behind the pencil palettes that everyone got when they make ten. People who saw the colors wrote down on their pencils what their names were. Everyone grew up knowing how to write and read them, but not their colors in the literal sense. Junkyu knew that blue was blue when he took out the pencil he was hiding in his backpack and realized that something was happening. When he saw his best friend enter the cafe on Haruto's seventeenth birthday, when his lips smoked out marijuana in the cold dawn, on the day he showed the hideous bruise on his hip. When he painted his nails on his left hand for a protest against the neglect of the soulmates. Junkyu saw that same color at the very moment he turned twenty, in the strands of Park Jihoon's almost long hair, and when he saw other colors. Many colors. “I always loved you, Junkyu. But how could I love someone who deserved the world when I couldn't do anything so great?” _Park Jihoon_. Kim Junkyu saw Park Jihoon in a million confused colors that his eyes wouldn't let him live without since the moment he turned twenty. Park Jihoon. “That day, on my birthday…” he felt he was running out of breath, that his eyes would betray him, and he would never stop crying ever again. “You were so sad because of Mashiho and all I could see was a blur… that was turning blue at the exact moment you turned twenty. Shit. Your soul is blue”.

Junkyu's eyes widened.

He didn't want to hear that. He couldn't hear any of it or he would end up going crazy. The boy held back his tears and tried to turn around, but Jihoon seemed really committed to hurt him even more with all that stupid shit while Junkyu just wanted to lie down on his bed and forget about his existence.

“Then red!” Jihoon gasped, wiping tears from his eyes. “Red, Junkyu. Your favorite coat” he said referring to the first time he understood that he could see more than one color. The tie he had with Junkyu was a fucking blue and red. “The cover of your phone that the girl from the store swore was a mix of colors, but that is actually just read. The color of your lips when you bite them because you’re nervous…” Jihoon shrugged, embarrassed that he hid it all and heard his friend cry over and over for Mashiho, day after day knowing he loved him as much or much more than Junkyu ever could dream of being loved by someone else. “Now it's yellow. Just like the sun, your ugly shoe.” Jihoon sniffed biting his lips. _Blue. Red. Yellow_. Junkyu was Jihoon's b’shert tie. He was the other half that the dancer wanted to pretend he didn't love but that he couldn't let go now that he saw his colors. “I swear I would leave you alone if it were only blue, because it would mean that your chances of getting to stay with Mashiho even having another soul mate were high” he admitted feeling Hyunsuk supporting his back. He wanted to die. Renouncing one's life seemed more interesting than being looked at by Junkyu so painfully. Anything would be better. “I had plans to return to Busan the next day, but then you were more than blue, and I couldn't”.

“Shut up!”

“Two colors!” Jihoon shouts back. “How could I go to Busan when I saw two colors? Damn, that meant there was a 50% chance that you would love me back, Junkyu…” he shrugged, beating himself up for being so selfish. Park Jihoon knew that Junkyu loved Mashiho. He saw that feeling growing and swore he would stay in the black and white world when he turned twenty and finally fate rubbed in his face the impossibility of his feelings being matched. He just wanted to be there for his friend's birthday, then he would be gone. It had been his plan since the day he told Choi Hyunsuk that he was in love. “And despite the possibility that I was going crazy, I decided to wait for Mashiho's birthday, okay? If you saw his color, I would really go and leave you. I swear I would”.

“So go away now.” Junkyu hugged his own body. “Please. I don't want to hear any of this, please, Jihoon. Go away. Leave me in peace”.

“Then he makes birthday, Kyu.” the dancer knew he was hurting the other even more, but he had to put an end to it before he lost his eyes and could no longer see that face that haunted him every day with an impossible love. He needed to do that while he still could. Hyunsuk sniffed next to his friend and whispered that everything was fine, that he could continue. “And you looked at me the exact moment that the clock marked Mashiho's birth. It was all a confusing blur”.

“For everybody.” Hyunsuk completed. “It was all just a fucking mess”.

Junkyu laughed sarcastically, wiping the tip of his nose.

“This is what happens when you fucked my boyfriend? A mess?”

Hyunsuk opened and closed his mouth. He couldn't answer that. What had happened to Mashiho had been the biggest mistake of his life, and now that things were that way, he knew he had no right to say what he was feeling because he was guilty of all the charges.

“It doesn't matter now”.

“Of course it matters!” Junkyu shouted. “You were my best friend, Hyunsuk. You heard me cry for him, gave me advice, and said that everything was going to be okay while you were fucking him behind my back!”

“You know how these things are…” Jihoon replied to his friend, holding back the urge to cry. “It was supposed to happen, and nobody could do anything about it. Or do you think that kiss wasn’t planned by fucking fate, Junkyu?” the musician felt his face go cold. He took a small step back and shook his head. “I pretended I was drunk”.

“Fucking bastard!” Junkyu croaked laughing as the cry started to echo down his throat. He felt pathetic. “Of course you're taking advantage. You kissed me while I cried for my boyfriend and pretended that nothing had happened the next day, because…?” he wanted to know. Jihoon shook his head. “It was funny to fucking with my mind that way?”

“I acted like nothing happened because I realized that I hadn’t stopped liking you, Junkyu” Jihoon replied irritably as if the reason behind all his pretense after that damn kiss that drove him crazy was obvious. “Because every time you got too close, I wanted to hold you” he said seriously. “I wanted to kiss you, feel you, touch you… love you. Damn, I wanted so much to love you”.

“I had someone who loved me!”

“And yet it was with me that your soul fell in love.” Jihoon replied biting his lips. He had grown up hearing Junkyu talk about how much he wanted to be loved, but he was never an option for his friend. He was invisible, someone who was there, but not wasn’t seen. He decided that he would renounce his b'hert tie the moment he discovered Junkyu would never love him back, his hopes die again when Mashiho get the boy’s life. And he would have lived in a black and white world, he would have condemned someone else because he refused to love anyone other than that stupid standing in front of him who was crying because he finally found his other half. Who was crying because he didn't want Jihoon to be his soulmate. “I know that you, Kim Junkyu, don’t love me the same way. That you belong to Mashiho and it will always be that way even if he is Hyunsuk hyung's soul mate…” the music student gritted his teeth hard. Junkyu still didn't want to think about it, the idea that Hyunsuk had slept with his boyfriend before all that and that, by the provocation of fate, was his soul mate. It was too painful. “I know I will never be someone in your heart, but you need to listen to me. We need to talk about it because your soul is linked to mine, and we are a b’shert tie”.

“No. You are not my half, Jihoon!” Junkyu shook his head firmly, laughing angrily. “I reject you. Are you listening to me? I want you to take this thing you think you feel for me and swallow it, to fit in with it…” his heart sank. Jihoon pressed his hand to his chest and had to hold on to Hyunsuk to keep from falling. Their eyes looked like they were burning. Junkyu shouted for his brother. “Fuck. That hurts! God…”

“I'm sorry, Kyu.” Jihoon gasped looking away. It was the pain that people said they felt when a link was being denied. That was the feeling in Junkyu's heart saying that he didn't want to be Jihoon's soul mate, that he preferred a black world to be loved by him. The music student sobbed, unable to hide how much it hurt him. “Sorry to have done this to us. You deserved to be with the person you really love” he said with his head down. Hyunsuk helped him to stand up and Park Jihoon bowed in embarrassment. “I'll end this up for you”.

Junkyu frowned. He looked to his friend approaching him, with trembling fingers touching his hair. When they were younger Jihoon used to say that he loved the texture of Junkyu's hair, he always found a way to wrap his long fingers in the strands that were always too long — sometimes he ended up falling asleep like that because he loved being able to touch him like that way. And Junkyu loved the feeling of security and tranquility that demonstration of affection caused him, of how it felt a pleasant tingling in his skin every time the dancer fingers touched the back of the neck and rubbed there.

“Jihoon!” they heard Hyunsuk said worriedly. Jihoon smiled even though he was crying and denied it without saying a word. Yedam opened his eyes wide and called his friend, asking him to stop before it was too late. Doyoung didn't understand what was going on. “No, please. Don’t do this that way…”

“It's all right.” Jihoon answers in a shaky voice. He closed his eyes and, as much as he didn't want to, whispered the last words of the Destiny god, the ones that were whispered in the ears of the first-generation. The ones that meant eternal love and total loss. He just needed to touch a place that was special to him and sincerely ask for the invisible thread that connected them to be broken. “I loved you from the first day until the last, and maybe I will love you even when the world is an eternal pitch…” he smiled kindly, rubbing his thumb over Junkyu's damp cheek. Jihoon would miss that face. Dark eyes, soft hair, pink skin. He would miss seeing him smile, seeing him cry, seeing him feel something. His eyes filled with tears and his heart sped up when he finally caught a glimpse of what his mother said was the connection between one person and another. There was a ritual, a way of calling fate and renouncing the b’shert tie. Words that, when uttered with sincerity, despair, and sacrifice, undertook the bond that united two people until nothing else was left. A plea for Venus and Mars, the god of war who, against the will of all other gods, loved the goddess of love with all his will. It was a break with the essence that guided them. “Kim Junkyu, when we Venus I swore to Mars*”.

  * The phrase that Jihoon speaks, which is also in the title, is the name of a poem written by Ana Bidi, meaning ‘when I saw you, I swore to love you’.




	7. 6. PART 06: LISTEN TO ME MARS…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Park Jihoon called the train station so that, at last, he could confirm his ticket to Busan. To go away for once.

Park Jihoon's words still echoed in Kim Junkyu's ears, with them the suffocating sensation that made him stay awake at night and feel sick during the day. At first, he didn't understand what that meant but the boy remembered all the mythology classes and how his mother always chattered about people who used ancient prophecies to renounce the b'shert tie for some reason — in Jihoon’s case, for not being reciprocated and for wanting to leave Junkyu free from the whole situation. He sat on his old bed, staring at the objects around, trying to remember what each thing was like before his eyes got _good_.

“Hyung?” Doyoung smiled turning on the lights. He put the tray on the dresser and walked to the windows, opening the curtains to let in some sunlight. “I thought you’re sleeping but thank God you're awake” he said placing the food on his brother's side. Doyoung pointed to the plate and smiled. “Now, eat something because we’re going out”.

“Out?” Junkyu wrinkled his nose. He thought he had been straightforward in saying that he wanted to die inside his old room. He denied. “No. Thanks”.

“Yeah. We are going out with our friends” Doyoung replied. “It's been six weeks and you need to get out of this room. We’re going to play a little in that arcade you like. But you didn't eat anything today, so eat it soon”.

Junkyu denied pursing his lips. His brother was wearing a blue shirt, dark pants. The rest was confusing because Junkyu's eyes were being affected by Jihoon's words — at some point, when the love that the eldest felt for him could be completely erased by the words thrown at Venus and Mars, the colors would return to the same tone as black and white from before everything happened. Junkyu felt his chest ache again.

“It hurts?” Doyoung approached, touching his older brother's forehead. He was always feverish now. He looked more and more sick because of what Jihoon said to their b’shert tie. “I researched some natural painkillers on the internet, we can buy them if you want. It’ll make you feel a little better”.

Junkyu blinked, stunned, thoughtful.

“The doctor told mom that the compatibility that we have is rare, that we are part of only 0.4% of the population” Junkyu whisper staring at his fingers. The prints were reddish, but the color looked different, fragile. Not that he could understand the colors that he actually saw, it was all confusing but he knew something was wrong because whenever he saw any color, he felt his heart and heartache. He bit his cheeks. “That we should be happy about it”.

Doyoung swallowed, nodding. He was at the doctor's office when Jihoon arrived to take the compatibility exam with Junkyu and passed with 98.95% on it. They could see the three main colors and, in addition, the variations and mixtures. They were perfect for each other. The fucking perfect couple.

“I’m so sorry about that hyung…”

He doesn’t. He felt many things that were scary, it made him dizzy and made him want to throw up, but he can’t feel sorry anymore. Every time he tries to be mad, he listens to Jihoon's words echoed again in his mind, telling Venus and Mars that he loves his best friend and that he renounced that feeling so Junkyu could live freely with the person he had chosen — Hyunsuk would also renounce Mashiho. They were willing to live in an empty world.

“Let's go out today, please hyung” Doyoung caught his brother's attention again. “You need to get a little distracted and everyone is worried”.

“Did you invite them?”

“Of course not”.

“Invite them.” Junkyu whispered surprising his younger brother. Doyoung frowns his eyebrows. “I'm not the only one who is going through a difficult moment right now. I talked to Mashiho yesterday, he feels alone and is afraid because of it…” he licked his lips, pressing his nail in his hand. He felt like an idiot to be thinking about someone else at that moment. “Hyunsuk said that he doesn’t what their b’shert tie too”.

“I'm sorry to hear that…” Doyoung said. “But, since things are like this, isn't better to stay with Mashiho instead of inviting Hyunsuk?” he asked worriedly. He didn't want to see his brother cry. “You two can be together now”.

Junkyu smiled sadly. He wanted it to be easy, but he could hear in Mashiho's voice how desperate and lonely the Japanese for being apart of his soulmate — because it was different for the youngest, he had experienced a brief moment with Hyunsuk and it made him feel the union in another way. It was something related to the connection established between the two people when both reached some stage of contact, it is when they started to feel things that they had never experienced in their lives and all that existed in them was the desire to be close, to love and be beloved.

It was how Junkyu felt about Jihoon: he needs wants any moment near him, with the colors of his soul. It was sad and lonely not to hear the elder, to see him smile from ear to ear, to feel his skin on his fingerprints and Junkyu knew it was the b'shert tie begging to connect to the only one capable of making him happy from that moment on.

Everything was so mystical that, even Mashiho, who saw only one color, was slowly dying due to the inexplicable longing he felt for Choi Hyunsuk, Junkyu wondered countless times if it wasn’t pathetic that human beings were bound by hearts by one invisible link that made them feel something for someone totally random when they turned twenty. He wondered if his parents' love wasn’t fake, but luckily his mother knew him well and was able to answer that question.

Mrs. Kim's words were ‘ _nobody really knows what happens inside us when there is unity, everyone hopes that it is real and that happiness doesn’t end. The only ones who really care about it are those who don’t give themselves the right to see the beauty of complete love, to be with your other half and discover the world again’_.

“When you and Yedam turn twenty…” Junkyu turned to look directly at his brother. “Even if you aren’t soul mates, don’t forget how you feel for each other now. Live your life with the person you love now without worry and, when the time comes, remember how happy you were together. It's the only thing that matters”.

“Hyung…”

“I don't want you to be unhappy like me” Junkyu interrupted. “Doyoungie, no matter what happens when the time comes, the love you feel for Yedam today is true, real and means something good”.

Junkyu loved his eyes. Even when they were bad, even when everything was black and white, he loved everything he had and the person he saw every morning: in the classroom in their first years, when they were too young. When they went to live together, every day while they woke up next to each other.

Junkyu loved to see Mashiho in a black and white world, and in those moments, he remembered all the things they had experienced together and how grateful they were to have loved each other so much.

They loved each other so much that it hurt. It was even suffocating.

“This hurt?” Mashiho asked referring to Junkyu, the boy he once loved, eyes. Junkyu nodded with an embarrassed, cautious smile. “I can't imagine what's happening with you in this whole situation. Sometimes I feel a horrible emptiness in my chest, but it doesn't hurt, it's more like something is missing and it makes me depressed most of the time, but you…” he sighed deeply. “You are in group three, Kyu. I can't imagine how much it hurts to live away from him”.

Junkyu laughed nosy, softly. He analyzed his hands and wondered if they had always been that pink. He liked that color.

“It's like…” he tried to put it into words. “Christ! Actually, I can't even put what I feel in a sentence that explains the situation. When he called for Venus and Mars, it was like my whole body was on fire, you know? It was terrifying, suffocating and my head hurt” Junkyu took a deep breath, licking his lips. “I can't explain it properly, but it was scary and all I wanted to say is that we’re perfect. I kept yelling at him, but Jihoon kept saying that everything was fine and that my eyes would be fine… that's bullshit”.

“Were you afraid of going blind?”

“No.” Junkyu frowned. “I was afraid to be alone”.

“I also felt it when Hyunsuk told me that he would reject the link to get things back to normal.” Mashiho squeezed Junkyu's fingers because he didn't want to hurt the only person who had made him feel something in his youth. He loved Kim Junkyu. “I said I didn't want to break the tie, that I wanted to know him better but he just keeping saying that we can’t”.

It didn't hurt. It was funny because Junkyu thought he would feel something, his stomach churning or his heart anxious, but he didn't feel anything. Hearing Mashiho say that he wanted to get to know Hyunsuk better didn't make Junkyu feel sad… it was more like he was worried because he was afraid that the Japanese would lose his yellow universe now that he had it.

“I don't feel anything.” he smiled in surprise. “I'm not jealous. It's so weird, don’t you think? Before I would hate to hear you talking about someone else or seeing you with someone else, but now…” Junkyu swallowed, looking into Mashiho's dark eyes. “I feel as if the love we had was increasingly distant and I am afraid of how I will feel when it disappears completely. But I also know it was real and that we loved each other”.

The two looked at each other for a brief moment and laughed softly, tenderly, because they felt the same and knew that, despite the numbness, everything they had lived together had been real and had meant something.

“Can I ask you something?” Junkyu asked a while later when they were already sitting with the other friends. Haruto had his head on the music student's shoulder. Mashiho nodded. “That’s was different?”

“What?”

“Sleep with him.” he explained. He knew that the betrayal had happened before the b’shert union, but he also knew that many people said that being with a soul mate was different. Inexplicable. That it was a fate thing and he wanted to know if it was true because he had felt something with Jihoon and maybe he could find out what it meant. “Was it different to sleep with him?”

Mashiho pondered for a long moment.

“Yes. It was different, but it wasn't surreal.” he replied after a confused smile. He licked his lips and analyzed Junkyu's expression, trying to understand why he was curious. “I think it's different for each person. I slept with him and that was incredible, but the deepest connection I felt was when we kissed. It was like an electric shock had gone through my whole body and all I wanted to do was keep kissing him”.

_Electric shock._

“It was as if I had found something missing”.

Park Jihoon. Junkyu didn't know if he was missing him.

“Hyung!” Haruto shouted in his deep voice, waving to Hyunsuk who seemed undecided on what to do. Mashiho turned around, smiling without even realizing how happy he had been with the elder's presence. Their eyes met in that space that separated them and, despite his own will, Hyunsuk told himself to ignore it. He whispered to himself that it was wrong and that he gave up that feeling. Mashiho could no longer see the yellow tones in the painting near the entrance. He stood up, frustrated by that empty feeling.

“We need to talk…” Takata Mashiho said approaching Hyunsuk, grabbing the older one by the fist. He opens his mouth to say something. “Now”.

“Mashiho-”

“Fuck what you have to say!” the Japanese said seriously. “This isn’t just your choice and so we’ll have a serious and definitive conversation, Choi fucking Hyunsuk.” Mashiho's serious tone made everyone stand up, in addition, made Jihoon appear from where he was purposely hidden. The youngest of the three rolled his eyes. “And you, Park Jihoon, should have more courage instead of hiding for God’s sake. Go talk to your fucking soul mate before it's too late and you guys drive me crazy!”

And that was how Park Jihoon stood alone at the entrance to the arcade because Takata Mashiho took Choi Hyunsuk away from everyone so they could talk — and that's where Kim Junkyu saw him after a long six weeks. They found themselves among that immense distance that separated them and caused their hearts to speed up, their bodies to warm up, and their eyes to overload to the point of making them moan by the number of colors they watched without being able to do anything about it. Junkyu parted his lips, wished he could say something that would put him through that suffocating pain, but Park Jihoon turned his back and left as if he had never been there.

“Busan is beautiful at Christmas!” Jihoon got scared, dropping Hyunsuk's car keys. He turned in a daze, meeting Kim Junkyu a few feet away. The dancer looked around for any way out of that situation. He felt his chest burn as if he were running out of air because of Junkyu. “Busan is really beautiful at Christmas. I still remember when we went to visit your parents three years ago” the musician swallowed, squeezing his fingers tightly. “Get there before the lights go out”.

Jihoon wanted to react in any other way but hearing Junkyu say that made him let out a laugh. The boy raised his hand to his mouth, hiding his stupid smile as he tried to stop the tears from running down his face. He hated that feeling, but it was impossible not to remember the days they spent together in Busan. They had been the happiest moments of his life — Jihoon had his family with him, the sea in black and white and Junkyu. He had the love of his life and he had been so fucking happy about that.

And that beautiful smile made Junkyu's heart tighten in his chest, his fingers got sweaty and all he wished for was to be able to close the gap between them because Jihoon's b'shert bond made him felt a frightening joy.

It was an inviting smile.

 _He's my soul mate._ Junkyu thought for a brief moment, feeling the urge to touch those lips, to feel Jihoon's fingers temperature and to make him smile like the old days. He wanted that reality to change, that everything went back to how it was before and could be the best friend in the whole universe for Park Jihoon. He wanted his friend back.

“Let's live a night as before…” Junkyu said before pondering his own words, surprising the older boy. Jihoon denied it, despite knowing that his best friend felt his urge to shout yes to that idiocy. “Please? I just discovered that I am a rare case, 0.4% of people go through what we are going through. Also, my boyfriend who is technically no longer my boyfriend is talking to his soul mate and is likely to fall out of a parachute in a romance”.

“And I have to be listening to you regret about it?” Jihoon rolled his eyes, crouching down to pick up the keys. “I got tired about that Kyu. Sorry”.

Junkyu felt his skin crawl. That feeling always pissed him off.

“No, Jihoon. You can just spend a normal night with me after six fucking weeks” Junkyu shrugged. “Before you leave forever, and we have to forget what happened…” he said. “Pretty please? It's just one night”.

Jihoon frowned. He wanted an evening with Junkyu before he left, he wanted to see that smile for one last time, be close to him and laugh about any stupid madness they might have to talk to each other before it all passed.

Before his eyes go blind.

“You know what?” Jihoon smiled, frustrated with his own ability to put himself in bad situations. “Fuck it. We’re going to live one last night as if nothing has happened before I return to Busan.” he said shrugging, sighing deeply. Junkyu blinked in a daze because he didn't expect his friend to agree. He didn't even know what he intended with that stupid idea of 'living one last night', but he accepted the madness and got in the car the minute the older one unlocked the lock. They looked at each other quickly, confused. “Where do you want to go on our last night together, Kim Junkyu?”

Junkyu hated that sarcastic tone but knew that he couldn't ask for more than he was already asking for. He felt in his bones how difficult it was for Jihoon to be accepting that stupidity after giving up his own heart so that the other would be free to love whoever he wanted to love.

“Let's go to the terrace” Junkyu referred to Hyunsuk's house. He wanted to see the stars with Jihoon before everything went back to black and white. Before the eldest vanished forever. “I want to see the sky color at night, Ji”.

Drunk.

Park Jihoon and Kim Junkyu were drunk like they had never been before in their chaotic lives. They hadn't exchanged a word since they arrived at the Hyunsuk building — which had responded to their message saying they’re in his apartment with Mashiho — because they knew that nothing they said would change the fact that they had destroyed each other's lives. Nothing would make them feel different, make it all survive without much hurt.

“Will you two be together?” Jihoon asked suddenly. The youngest looked at him confused for a moment until he realized the sensation of jealousy welling up in the bottom of his best friend's chest. He licked his lips. “I know you love each other and must be looking forward to it, right?” Park Jihoon smiled sadly. “Hyunsuk must be”-

“Fucking him.” Junkyu interrupted his best friend, lying on the cold floor once again. He liked the color of the night sky. “That's what they must be doing by now on” he said, swallowing, pointing to a huge bright star in the right corner. “Mashiho feels he must know Hyunsuk better after these six weeks alone and I know him too much to know that he’ll probably fuck with him to forget every time he feels sorry and alone”.

Jihoon opened and closed his mouth. He didn't have exactly what to say or how to feel because part of himself had been ridiculously happy with the idea that Mashiho was interested in Hyunsuk. The other party wondered how it affected Junkyu and how he was feeling about the whole situation. The dance student rested his chin on his knees and tried not to think about it because he knew that his friend was able to perceive some of his feelings for the simple fact that they were soul mates — that was probably the only disadvantage of having another half, the fact that they could know literally what the other was feeling just because they were one.

“I’m sorry for that”.

“Yeah? I do not.” Junkyu frowned, lowering his hand. He sighed deeply, feeling how confused Jihoon was at his words. “To be honest, I also don't understand what I'm feeling or telling you now, hyung. I know that I love Mashiho, that everything we lived was real and that we were happy…” he said putting his hands behind his head, laughing at himself. “But at the same time, I know that what we felt for each other stopped being romantic at the very moment we turned twenty and I fucking saw you”.

Jihoon didn't understand because in his whole life he had only loved Junkyu, but he was sorry that things had ended that way because he knew that his best friend deserved to be loved. He lay down beside the other on the floor, looking at the stars that were so beautiful in their bright white in the middle of a dark sea of blue night. It was silent.

The world around them didn't seem to make a sound during that cold, starry dawn. And when they looked at each other again, side by side on the terrace floor, Junkyu knew that the thing he liked most when he was with Jihoon was the silence, because that was when he could forget the whole universe and concentrate on just one thing.

“You should stop looking at me like that”.

“Like what?”

“As if I were your world”.

Jihoon smiled.

“I always looked at you like this” he replied, feeling his heart beat faster even though he was calm when saying those simple words. That lump in the back of his throat was what Junkyu was feeling, but he would end up regretting it if he didn't say that before leaving for Busan. Jihoon knew that he would never have a chance to say how he really felt about his best friend. “Now and in the past, you were always my world, Kim Junkyu”.

And, unconsciously, Junkyu asked Mars that the world be frozen at that very moment so that he could memorize every detail of that face before he went away. He smiled, a gentle smile that made Jihoon feel his skin crawl and his heart tighten. And Jihoon asked Venus that the love he felt for Junkyu would disappear before he went crazy for real.

They broke up that night.

Junkyu returned to his home listening to the birds singing, the way the wind howled in the tops of the trees with sparkling green leaves, and people waking up for their lives. He returned to his former apartment, the one he had shared with Takata Mashiho for a few years before sinking into complete chaos, where he spent much of his days with his best friends, laughing at any banality and living as if they owned the universe.

Kim Junkyu returned home while Park Jihoon called the train station so that, at last, he could confirm his ticket to Busan. To go away for once.


	8. 7. PART 07: 182.5 AFTER THE STARRY SKY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyoung nodded. Like Mashiho, he wanted his brother to give up on the idea — even if Junkyu was only going to be a few hours away — because he liked having him around, but he knew he needed to support his older brother's decisions after that troubled start to the year. and catastrophic. Junkyu deserved to be happy and so, even though they were sad, everyone was trying to accept his choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !WARNING! 
> 
> This chapter contains sexual descriptions (orgasm), so if you don't like sensitive content,  
> wait for the next update or skip the first paragraph of the second part of the chapter.
> 
> I hope you are enjoying it. The au is coming to an end!

“Mom? Where's my yellow jacket?”

“ _In the same place where you left it earlier_!”

“This isn’t here!” he shouted back, rolling his eyes as he got up and headed for the living room of his parents' house. “I need that coat”.

“Did you search over the bed?” the woman asked, putting out her cigarette on the marble table, closing the magazine, and taking off her glasses. “I swear I saw that damn coat on your bed, Mashiho. Look it right”.

“I did it right mom!” Takata Mashiho said back. “Can you help me find it, please? My plane leaves in forty-five minutes, that coat was a gift from Junkyu hyung.” he explained upset, moving away from the doorway. Mrs. Takata rolled her eyes and sighed deeply, standing up to help. “Thanks”.

They searched everywhere. There wasn't even a room that hadn't been turned upside down, he can’t find the gift Junkyu gave him. He didn't remember wearing it the night before when he went out with friends, but it didn't make sense to have lost the garment inside the house itself. Mashiho looked around the room one last time, hearing his mother scream for them to leave at once — he would have to leave the yellow jacket behind.

“Promise me that you will come back to visit more often” Mashiho's mother asked, kissing her son's soft cheeks. She loved that shade of sky blue in the boy's hair. “I don't want to have to wait for three more years to see you again, love. Take time and come visit your parents more often, we want to spend Christmas with you”.

Mashiho knew that he had neglected his parents since he moved to Korea, but he knew that his mother's words came with great pride because the Japanese had a bright future and was doing well at work. He was away because he wanted to give his parents a better life and he wanted to succeed — he nodded, returning the tender kisses, and hugging the woman before waving and, again, asking her to send the coat if she found it.

He got on the plane and went home.

“I leave you alone for three weeks and you turn my apartment inside out, hyung?” Mashiho grunted, helping to get some pieces of paper off the floor. He was exhausted from the time zone. “How many times will I have to talk about organization?” he asked placing the papers on the table. “You have to be more responsible and organize your things”.

“Why do you always get involved with my stuff?”

“Because you keep leaving everything thrown around the apartment, for God sake!” Mashiho snorted impatiently, widening his eyes at his boyfriend. He was exhausted. “Don't you realize how dirty this place gets when you throw things on the floor like that?” the Japanese sighed, feeling the other wrap his arms around his waist. He held on to the smaller boy's shoulders. “You need to start organizing yourself and your lyrics, Suk-ah”.

“But you know that I can’t keep my lyrics when I’m in creating process, sweetheart.” the elder said sarcastically, smiling as he approached to leave a kiss on the corner of the Japanese's mouth, who rolled his eyes. “But I promise I'll save everything before you finish your bath, okay?” he smiled, kissing the youngest's neck. He left a blur that didn't recognize the color on the other's skin and moved away to look at Mashiho a little more. “Christ, I missed you”.

“Did you really?” Mashiho asked wrapping Hyunsuk's neck with a wide, animated smile. “Good because I missed you too and I need you to give me some love tonight”.

“As much as you want…” Hyunsuk licked his lip, moving closer to finally kiss the dance student's soft lips. He pushed Mashiho's body against the wall, sinking the kiss and sucking the Japanese's tongue. They had spent three weeks away from each other and felt like they were on fire now that they were together. The younger one pushed his hips forward, after more contact. “But you should take a shower and rest before jumping into the sex part dear”.

Mashiho rolled his eyes.

“And shouldn't you be showing how much you missed me during those three weeks, _boyfriend_?” he replied, stroking Hyunsuk's neck with affection. The two laughed softly. Mashiho wanted to kiss him more but the older one was right, he needed a shower and a few hours of sleep. “Clean up this mess before I get back, okay?”

“Yes sir.” Hyunsuk smiled, kissing his boyfriend once more before letting him pack things and shower. “Mashi?” he called when he remembered that he needed to give a message to the youngest. The Japanese man turned, waiting for the other to continue. “Go visit Junkyu tomorrow”.

Mashiho's heart sank.

“Why?” he asked apprehensively. “What happened?”

Hyunsuk bit his cheek inside.

“He is leaving”.

Mashiho's eyes widened.

“What? Now?” the dancer shook his head while trying to assimilate that stupid idea. He thought he had convinced his friend to give up that madness and that things would return to normal. “ But he promised me”.

Hyunsuk sighed deeply. He knew how important Junkyu and Mashiho's past relationship was to his boyfriend, he also knew that he loved the friendship he had with the music student, so he didn’t understand why Mashiho didn’t realize how much leave that apartment, knowing new places was important for Junkyu at that moment.

“He needs it, Mashi.” Hyunsuk answer, approaching and holding his boyfriend's cheeks. He felt tears flow and wet his fingerprints. “I know that you love him and that you want him to be close, but this trip is important to him, sweetheart. Stay is only making him sad. You need to support him in that”.

“But-” Mashiho narrowed his eyes, denying. “We can take care of him, hyung. I promised I wouldn't leave his side, so why can't he do this and stay here? Leaving Seoul is stupid…” he said, sad. “Who's going to take care of that idiot when he gets a fever for not eating right?”

“He’s not a baby, Mashi. He knows how to take care of himself.” Hyunsuk smiled tenderly, hugging his boyfriend. He knew that he would miss Junkyu but that the Japanese would feel everything in a completely different way because they had an incredible story. “He’s gonna be okay. You need to let him make his own decisions now” the older man stroked the younger boy's hair, listening to him sobbing softly against his neck. “Everything is gonna be okay”.

“What if it's not okay?”

“If something goes wrong, we do something” Hyunsuk replied. “But first we have to let him go on with his life and make the choices he thinks he should make for himself. We can hope that everything works out for him”.

And Mashiho wanted everything to be okay for Junkyu, he wanted to see his ex-boyfriend and best friend shine as he used to, he wanted to see him happy, smiling, living an incredible life instead of defining himself in a single chaotic event. He really wanted Kim Junkyu to go in search of what would make him better, but the other part of him wanted Junkyu to stay close so that things could be controlled in case something went wrong.

Junkyu admired his friend's effort to take care of him even if they were the same age — just a few months apart — and laughed nosy when he heard Mashiho cry on the phone and curse him for leaving after promising to forget that idea. He loved to know that Mashiho still felt the same affection that existed between the two in the past, which made him heartless lonely, and sad because he knew he had someone.

“Hyung will see you at the end of the year” Junkyu replied smiling, facing Doyoung across the room. They were packing his bags so that the eldest could catch the train later in the day. “Of course. I promise to bring as many gifts as you want, Mashi.” he laughed softly. “Tell hyung that I sent kisses and that I hope you could visit me before Christmas”.

Mashiho cried for a few more moments before letting Junkyu end the call. Junkyu looked at Doyoung with a tired face but satisfied with his own decisions and choices — he had decided to take distance classes so he could move town without much drama, he had put his apartment downtown to rent and booked a room in one pension that he found extremely captivating on the internet.

“You really don't want us to give you a drive?” Doyoung asked closing his brother's backpack. “Yedam already has his provisional driver's license, we can take you there and come back tomorrow, hyung. It would be less tiring”.

“No.” Junkyu made a face, putting the phone in his pocket. He looked at the wallet to make sure he had kept all the important documents. He smiled widely. “I prefer to go alone, Doyoung. This trip is something I've been wanting to do for some time, so I want to go alone”.

Doyoung nodded. Like Mashiho, he wanted his brother to give up on the idea — even if Junkyu was only going to be a few hours away — because he liked having him around, but he knew he needed to support his older brother's decisions after that troubled start to the year. and catastrophic. Junkyu deserved to be happy and so, even though they were sad, everyone was trying to accept his choice.

Junkyu's parents waved, watching their eldest son leaving. That night Junkyu received several messages from his friends asking him to take care and live well, not to forget everything that was waiting for him in Seoul and to return soon. He went to sleep, in a new city, on a bed different from the one he had known for years, with a pending friend request on Instagram.

**\- ¤ -**

The feeling of pleasure spread through Kim Junkyu's groin causing him to part his red, moist lips. He squeezed his eyes tight, closing his fingers around the comforter that was already wet from his cold sweat — he squeezed his toes and squirmed, startled by the tingling sensation in his penis. The boy let out a breathless groan, felt his heart racing in his chest, and wanted to beg for that sensation to pass once and for all… until he came.

The first time Junkyu came, he was fourteen and had masturbated because, for some reason he didn't remember, had seen a video on the internet. He didn't remember if he really liked the sensation because he didn't understand it at the time, but a few years later he discovered that his body was incredibly sensitive and that he could give himself pleasure — at seventeen and a half, almost eighteen, he had sex for the first time with Mashiho and thought that there was no way to feel better than being inside someone while having an orgasm.

It was like that until he turned twenty. The first time he felt his bellyache, his heart accelerates, and the joy stained his underwear he thought he would die because of the euphoria and electricity that ran through his body. Since then, he knew that there were surreal ways to raise orgasm, to connect with someone, and feel his soul leave the body when it reaches climax.

Junkyu opened his eyes, laughing hoarsely as his body went limp on the bed and his mind, against his own will, slowly fell asleep. He woke up the next day with a pained face — he licked his lips and rubbed his eyes when he was hit by the strong light emanating from the window. He had probably forgotten to close it last night. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror.

His hair was disheveled, his face looked as if he had been trampled, and his pants were completely open. He remembered last night, before falling asleep completely and pretending that what had happened was a dream. Junkyu sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair, and looking away from his own body before taking a shower and getting rid of the sticky sensation.

He had to get a job.

Two months. He is living alone in that city for two months now and his parents still insisted that he come back and for all and Mashiho hissed at him to ask — ‘how are you’, ‘are you eating at the right time’, ‘how are your eyes’, ‘don't you think you should come back’, ‘are you okay’. Many questions.

“Mrs. Kang?” Junkyu pressed the bell on the counter, leaning on his eyes while waiting for the woman. He smiled widely when he saw her. “Any news about that order I mentioned I was waiting for?”

The woman asked for a moment and went to check. When she returned, she had a medium box in her hand that made the tenant smile excitedly.

Junkyu looked at himself in the mirror, smiling when he realized that he hadn’t been deceived by the website and that his money had been well spent. He took off his clothes and put on the clothes he was wearing, going over what addresses he should go to that afternoon to deliver his resume — there was also a mental note to send his share work to Yoshinori before midnight.

He also made some calls because his parents had left some screaming messages about how much Doyoung was struggling to get into the college he wanted, and then decided to have lunch at a restaurant he had found while spending time on Instagram.

“Thank you for choosing our restaurant” the girl with a wide smile and big eyes said after returning Junkyu's credit card. She took a bar of chocolate and offered it to him. “This is a small gift. I hope you always come back”.

Junkyu looks at her.

“Thanks.” he opened the chocolate and bit it although he didn't like sweets that much. He smiled widely. “Have a good afternoon”.

After leaving the resumes, he decided it was time to go home. As the evening was cool, he thought it would be a good idea to walk back to the pension where he lived. He put on his headphones and moved among the people as if leaving Seoul had been his best decision after all and his life made more sense than before.

And, for some stupid reason, Junkyu changed his route and stopped in front of a coffee shop.

He watched people talking inside, imagined how warm and welcoming it should be. For a moment he thought about going in but then he decided it was too late and that he should go home — it was like that for a few weeks.

One night he got a call while he saw two girls laughing at something that Junkyu wanted to find out, the woman on the other end of the phone had said that she was impressed with the music student's academic curriculum and that she wanted to do an interview the next morning.

That was when he decided to go to the cafeteria.

Junkyu sat at the last table, looked at the menu for a long moment, and called one of the attendants. He whispered in her ear as if it were a joke and watched her raise her eyebrows but accept the confusing challenge.

The woman handed the order over to the bartender, who alternated his gaze between the paper and the woman who shrugged. The barista bit the corners of his mouth hard, unable to understand what that request meant.

_What are blue, red and yellow?_

**\- ¤ –**

Kim Junkyu had some bad times in his life after turning twenty, but this was the first weekend that he could feel relieved that things were finally coming back to place. He had completed three weeks of work at an entertainment company, had secured two private students to his singing lessons, was able to follow his college lessons, and had good grades.

In addition, he was happy because he had received his first salary that wouldn’t have to be spent just on debts — finally, he could relax a little because the bills were all up. He smiled at Kari, one of the staff who worked on his team, and showed the identity to the security who nodded and let them in.

The woman with short hair and extravagant clothes took his hand and walked into the crowd, screaming to the music. They danced wildly until they were out of breath and needed to calm down at the bar — Kari ended up leaving Junkyu aside because she had found someone to flirt with, and he took the opportunity to send a photo to his friends in Seoul.

‘I miss our parties’, he wrote and laughed when he read the answers. Haruto promised that he would visit and that, even though he wasn’t of legal age yet, wanted to see all the clubs that Junkyu was attending. Asahi and Jaehyuk commented on how sweaty he was, Mashiho sent a heart emoji while Hyunsuk put only three points. Junkyu scored Jeongwoo, Doyoung, Yedam, Junghwan, and Yoshinori, who hadn’t said anything.

Ever since he joined his company, he had divergent interests about getting closer or not because things were going well and he wanted to continue to have peace on his mind, but at that moment, watching this person dance with a random group made him think about the past — and for some reason getting closer was inevitable.

He swallowed and managed to get himself in the middle of the group, dancing to the rhythm of a woman who soon grabbed his waist and smiled against his sweaty neck.

Taking a deep breath, Junkyu took the initiative to get closer to the other boy, to show himself present in that tangle of bodies and hands while his heartbeat hard in the back of his throat. He held the boy's neck almost lower than himself, his trembling lips were dry, but still, he took the courage to say something:

“What is blue, red, and yellow?”

The other walked away, startled, his eyes widening.

Junkyu smiled sheepishly, looking back with the same intensity and fear as the other. Sweat-wet lips trembled, opened, and closed as if their owner's mind was trying to process the other's presence and existence in that place.

Junkyu answer:

“It's a perfect b’shert tie.” the smile on his face grew a little more because Park Jihoon looked the same. It was the same face that Junkyu had seen for months since he had decided to move to Busan and wandered the streets pretending that he didn't change paths just to see him working at that cafeteria shop. “Don’t you miss this feeling? I do because it was 182.5 days since we last saw each other in Hyunsuk’s apartment, Park Jihoon”.


	9. 8. PART 08: YOU HAVE A DEMON IN YOUR EYES...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart squeezed so hard that Jihoon wanted to scream.

“What the-” Junkyu ground his teeth, running after Park Jihoon, who had run away from him as if he had seen a terrifying ghost. The youngest didn’t know it but the dancer used to fantasize about him when he was drunk and, almost every time, ended up sitting in front of some stranger's house, crying because of his stupid heart. “Jihoon. Park Jihoon!”

Junkyu's eyes widened the moment he heard the car horn when he tried to cross the street behind his friend, he also saw Jihoon turning around slowly to make sure that the ghost of his love was still alive.

They looked at each other from distance, hearts racing, and with several questions surrounded their thoughts at that very moment. Jihoon raised his eyebrows, unable to understand what his fantasy was doing, when he imagined Junkyu, he always ended up being followed throughout the night as an irritating reminder of what had happened between the two.

Jihoon licked his sweat-damp lip and blew out a breath, deciding to leave before the tears started to stream from his eyes. He shook his thoughts and turned, walking again without giving his brain a chance to process the situation for real — _stop being an idiot, he's in Seoul living the life he deserves, far away from you_ , Jihoon said to himself, taking off his phone to call an Uber and end that night.

“Ya!” Jihoon opened his eyes wide as he dropped the phone with the impact of his body, which was violently pulled back by the hem of the shirt he was wearing. He moved feebly, turning around with a mixture of surprise, dread, and fear on his face. Junkyu leaned over and rested his hands on his knees, breathing unevenly. “I can't believe you made me run…” he said, swallowing, feeling his throat burn. “The car almost kills me!”

Jihoon frowned and, without hesitation, nipped the ghost's neck because he knows this person in front of him was a projection of his drunk subconscious. He clenched his jaw, held his breath, and opened his eyes wide.

Junkyu grunted in pain.

“What the fuck?” the youngest asked incredulously. “Is this your new way of saying that you are happy to see me Jihoon hyung?” he smiled in frustration, shaking his head and rolling his eyes when he saw the expression of his best friend. Junkyu swallowed: “What? Did you see a ghost?”

“You…” Jihoon thought about the words but couldn't say them out loud. He wanted to ask what Junkyu was doing in Busan, but he didn't have the courage. He moved his eyes away. “Sorry. I thought-” he took a deep breath and laughed embarrassed. Jihoon thought he had fantasized about Junkyu again, that's what he wanted to say but he didn't want to be pathetic and admit that he sometimes daydreamed about him. “Nothing”.

Junkyu felt his heart sink even though he was possibly happy to be talking to Jihoon after seeing him from afar for so long. He wanted a simpler way to explain why he was in Busan, but it all seemed too stupid, so he preferred to shrug and make a fool of himself.

Jihoon used to love the way the youngest acted like he was two years old. He always thought that Junkyu was the cutest person in the whole universe and felt his heart melt when the musician did anything funny to make their friends laugh. He sighed heavily.

Junkyu prepared to say something but both were interrupted by a young, beautiful woman — visibly intimate with Junkyu by the way she had leaned on him to remove her high-heeled shoes. She turned to Jihoon.

“Hi! I'm Kari” the woman said with an even bigger smile. It was like she was flirting with Jihoon. They looked at each other for a long moment until she spoke again, with a smile. “And you are...?”

“Park Jihoon.” Junkyu replied when he realized that his friend didn’t seem comfortable with the situation. He knew that his presence was confusing, irritating and that it probably brought bad memories to Jihoon, but processing all those feelings in the presence of a third person should be even worse for the dancer. “Noona, can you go home with the others?” he asked joining his eyebrows in an expression that Jihoon could describe as cute. “I need to talk about really serious things with this… asshole”.

Kari tried not to laugh but ended up letting go and apologized despite finding Junkyu's attitude sensational. She nodded patiently because she had heard about 'Park Jihoon' numerous times and part of her was happy that her friend had taken an initiative and finally revealed himself instead of standing outside an old cafeteria seeing his longtime friend work without imagining that he was in Busan.

“Will you call me tomorrow?” she wanted to continue with ‘to tell me what happened but looking at her face was enough for Junkyu. He nodded trying not to laugh and stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets. Jihoon remained silent as he watched the two exchange kisses. “You are more beautiful in person, Jihoon-ssi. Now I understand why this idiot kept whining about you” Junkyu and Jihoon opened their eyes wide. She smiled. “My God, you are cute!” she bit her lip and stared at her friend, unable to hide her thoughts about the whole situation. Junkyu shook his head, but she blinked and said: “Use a condom”.

The moment Kari crossed the street and waved, he turned with an embarrassed smile to Jihoon, who was no longer there. The musician rolled his eyes and looked for him, huffing in frustration when he saw Jihoon across the sidewalk. He ran again, shouting for him to stop walking so fast and listen to him for a mere instant — as soon as he reached Jihoon, Junkyu made sure to hold his friend tightly around the waist, turning his body and making them stagger until his back hit the wall of a house. Jihoon tried to get rid of him.

“Ya, ya, ya!” Junkyu cried out in pain. Jihoon bites him. “You're still an idiot, aren't you?” the musician asks, running his hand through his damp hair. Jihoon just wanted him to leave. Junkyu's heart squeezed with anxiety and he licked his lips, trying to ignore the sensation. “I know that things didn't go exactly the way you planned in the past” he said looking up at Jihoon, aware that he had hurt his friend in countless ways. “And that I left you. I also know that your life was going well here in Busan, you seemed happy before you saw me” the fragile smile on his lips made the older man want to hug him despite his broken heart. “And I'm sorry for that”.

Jihoon frowned.

“You feel sorry?” Jihoon smiled. “About what part exactly?”

Junkyu stared at his feet. He was still feeling anxious.

“For making you feel desperate like that” he answers softly, biting his cheeks inside. “For continuing to make you suffer and feel desperate in that way, hyung. I'm sorry for everything…”

Park Jihoon had asked himself several times ‘what would you do if Kim Junkyu appeared in front of you today’ and, when he wasn’t drunk, he used to say that he would turn his back and keep walking because he deserved more. Because he wanted to forget that sad love and get on with his life because he wanted to keep smiling even though it was difficult on some days.

And he did it.

Jihoon turned his back on Junkyu, he walked down the sidewalk and, with a heavy heart, walked as far as he could before letting himself be overcome by his tears that quickly blinded his eyes. When he got home Jihoon realized that the lump in the back of his throat had nothing to do with his own crying, that the tingling sensation in his cheeks was too uncomfortable and too different from anything he had ever felt — he realized that he was still stupidly connected with Junkyu and that those were probably his feelings.

His heart squeezed so hard that Jihoon wanted to scream.

Junkyu was still his soul mate.


	10. 9. PART 9: THE END OF A B’SHERT TIE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Our friendship.” he explained with a less heavy heart for the things that had finally been saying. “Can we restart our friendship over? I want to be able to choose you instead of leaving it to fate” Kim Junkyu took a step closer to Park Jihoon. “Hyung, can you start over and be my best friend one last time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!WARNING!!!
> 
> It is a mild warning of mention of self-injury, basically, it has a variation of onychophagia, which is the compulsion to destroy the nails to the point of injury. It's a very quick moment and doesn't mention it directly, but if you don't like the idea, be warned.
> 
> It starts the moment Junkyu talks about Yoshinori, so watch out!

When Jihoon was a child, his mother used to try to explain what color she saw and why it was the most beautiful color in the entire universe. At the age of six, he imagined that the woman's attachment to the b'shert's tie had to do with her love for the boy's father, over the years he discovered that it was much more than that — part of himself was hypocritical because he fought for the rights of those who didn’t have soul mates and weren’t recognized by the government for the simple fear of never being able to see colors as his mother saw them. It was the reason behind his effort, moreover, he discovered too early that a broken heart was painful at any time in life.

His heart was broken by Kim Junkyu so many times that Park Jihoon no longer understood what it was like to wait for his twenty-one years.

People used to say that the worst loss was that of the other half, but for him, his worst loss was never having the chance to be chosen by the one person whose eyes and smiles made his heart flutter in his chest.

 _I don’t need it_. That's what he told himself on his nineteenth birthday because he has just two years before he finally had his heart filled by a person who wasn't Junkyu.

He hated that.

Jihoon hates the idea of having someone else as his soulmate when he loves his best friend until death.

That's one of the reasons he keeps fighting for the right to choose to be alone, that's why he chose to ignore everything he felt and live his life as best as possible. He promised himself that he wouldn't suffer, but in the end, fate was stupid and had made him regret all his words about b'shert bond because Junkyu was his fucking soul mate.

A soul mate who didn't want him.

“Sorry for the delay.” Jihoon blinked slowly without taking his eyes off the sea. He liked that shade of blue even though he was losing his color day by day. He heard the chair being dragged. “The traffic from the city to the coast is really bad today...” he sighed deeply, moving his eyes to a specific point in the window. He had written his name in that same few months ago, after moving to Busan and promising to live a simple life. “Do you really hate me that much that you can’t even look at me now?”

Jihoon tightened his fingers around the cup.

“I mean…” Junkyu laughed softly, embarrassed by his audacity. He sat back in his chair. “I don't need an answer because I can feel how much you’re anxious for this to be over soon and shit like that”.

“Yes. I want that to be over”.

Junkyu blinked in a daze, felt lost and strange.

At that moment, when the older one raised his head and looked in his direction, Junkyu tried to memorize Jihoon's face.

Junkyu was afraid he was going to forget about Jihoon's face when it was all over for real this time — it was time to break the tie properly.

They had met due to fate, Junkyu knew that Jihoon lived in that region when he decided to accept his friend’s invitation, but it was fate that they met in the crowd because the chances were slim. In Busan, Park Jihoon seemed like a quiet person, who used to spend the weekends at home or working in the coffee shop, so it was destiny they mate in that day.

“It must have been difficult” Junkyu finally said. “Loving me”.

“Yes.” Jihoon raised an eyebrow. “It was hard to love you”.

Junkyu smiled sheepishly, staring at the landscape.

Jihoon was good at choosing places, they used to visit some restaurants when they lived in Seoul. The beach was really a good place to build a cafe like that, it made everyone feel calmer. Perhaps that was the elder's intention in deciding to accept Junkyu's insistent requests — who had appeared at his work every day for three whole weeks — for his heart to be quiet and to have the strength to go through another stunning confusion.

They looked at each other.

“It was difficult for me too" Junkyu licked his lip. He was anxious, his hands were sweating, and his heart was pounding. And Jihoon felt like he was going to throw up because of it. “Find out...” he moved his hands without knowing how to explain, but Jihoon understood. He really does. “About that”.

“Do you really think that way?” Jihoon laugh. “Imagine what it was like for me to discover that my best friend, the one who had a boyfriend and who was completely in love, was my soul mate for real.” Jihoon replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes at the situation. “Can you imagine what it was like for me?”

“No. I can’t.” Junkyu was sincere, something Jihoon didn't expect because he always used to try to ignore his own blame whenever something didn't work how he expected it. “I will never be able to understand all the things you have felt in the past and I'm sorry about that, I know it's late, but I never thought you could be so hurt because of me”.

“It wasn't just because of you, Junkyu” Jihoon snorted. “It was because of me all the time. I was hurt because I was stupid enough to fall in love with the one person who would never look at me the way I-”

“You weren't the only one!” the musician interrupted his childhood friend and the feeling they both felt was frustrating. He squeezed his fingers tightly and continued: “I'm sorry for making you go through so many bad situations, but you weren't the only one who was hurt in the past.” Junkyu said seriously, too sincere. “I was desperate. If you really loved me back then, you know what I'm talking about here…” he smiled incredulously at himself. He never thought he would have the courage to admit everything out loud, to explain how desperate he was to be loved. “When someone looks at you as if you were this person universe for so long and suddenly, this just stops and it's like you never existed. That hurts”.

“I know Mashiho hurt you, but the world doesn't turn around that”.

“Jihoon, some things…” Junkyu smiled to himself, but he wasn't upset. Not anymore. “You don’t know about everything. We’re too naive, everyone was trying to discover the world, and nobody could avoid it because relationships aren’t perfect even with all this soul mate and destiny thing that we live.” he said seriously. He brought his thumbnail to his mouth, biting hard. “Me and Mashiho? That’s not everything that happens in the past”. 

Jihoon looks confused.

“Let us say that I was too much. That time I was so desperate for someone to love me and just me” Junkyu felt like he was going to throw up for real this time. Jihoon was his best friend but he didn't know him that well. “And I make some mistake because of that too, hyung” he looks at Jihoon. “I lie to everyone”.

“What are you talking about?”

“I cheat on Mashiho too.” Junkyu answer. “After him and Henry, things are messy…” he bit his cheeks. Jihoon can’t believe that. Junkyu was in love with Mashiho back then, he can’t imagine Junkyu with someone else even if he’s too broken about what happened. The youngest moved his eyes away, to the beautiful sea that he loves so much. “I sleep with Yoshinori hyung”.

Jihoon's heart sped up.

“You what?”

Junkyu loved Mashiho, he loved the idea of having a soul mate and staying with this person for the rest of his life and Jihoon knew that.

It didn't make sense that he had betrayed everything he feels for Mashiho with Yoshinori.

Jihoon opened and closed his mouth, looking for something to say, but he was still processing the idea.

Kanemoto Yoshinori.

“Can I say that was Mashiho’s fault? No. Did he cheat on me? Yes. But the choice to do the same was mine. That’s why things go so messy” he laughed embarrassed of himself. “I never knew how to assume that I was also the blame one for all the chaos that we were creating day after day”.

“Junkyu-”

“I blamed Mashiho when he cheated on me, when in fact I am the one who had started all that circus of horrors in our lives for the simple fact that I couldn't stand not being someone's universe!” he was so deep in his mind that he didn't notice when he started pulling the skin at the corners of his thumb. He felt his best friend's hold his hand, preventing him from biting it and Junkyu tried not to laugh and get emotional about that, but his heart was grateful that Jihoon cared enough to stop him at that moment because he knew he would end up get hurting himself. “The fact is that I was never really sure about me and Mashiho being soul mates, but I wanted it to be true”.

“So you made it true”.

“For a while.” he nodded. “It was selfish and a little pathetic, but I liked to imagine that I would have a perfect romance and that everything would be fine, but I ended up getting hopeless again and he cheated on me again, and I sleep with Yoshi. I fucked everything up and end up alone”.

“I've always been by your side.” Jihoon released the younger’s hand, scratching the back of his neck. He felt stupid. “You’re never alone. I loved you from the beginning, Junkyu. Even in your worsts days”.

Junkyu wondered if his anguish feeling had to do with Jihoon's need to end it all because he didn't love his best friend anymore or because Junkyu was nervous about losing him again.

Their eyes met.

He wanted to say so many things.

He wanted to apologize, hug Jihoon for all the years he suffered in silence while Junkyu was happy with the person he _loved_ , apologies for letting him go. But it wasn't fair, Jihoon deserved more than apologies and he knew that there was no time machine, that there was no way to change things that happen in the past. So Junkyu just remained silent, analyzing Jihoon's profile as the dancer watched the ocean waves breaking on the beach sand.

He watched in silence as his world finally came to an end, with a breakthrough full of truths and a story about how they were afraid of things that he would never know would work out or not.

That day, Jihoon told about the first time he realized that he was in love with Junkyu.

They were watching Hyunsuk’s dance performance, the youngest had arrived late, he was out of breath and agitated because he had run two blocks to go there. It was dedication. Jihoon loves that in him.

' _You are really a great friend, Kyu. I envy Hyunsuk hyung because he's your favorite._

He told about the first time he dreamed about Junkyu and how he cried when he realized that his most secret desires would never come true and, while watching the sea, he told how he allowed himself to feel rejection all the years and how he had grown up with the fact that he would never be reciprocated.

_'You are my best friend and I hate to see you suffer like that! Stop running after these idiots, huh? You have me. Let's get married. I will make you happy'._

Park Jihoon told Kim Junkyu how he had accepted that they belonged to different worlds, to different people and that he was able to be happy. He told how his life was normal now and how thankful he was for the sea that separated them — he told how he had overcome Junkyu.

_'Let's stop here, while we still have the good times. Let's follow different paths'._

He told Junkyu that he learned to move on.

“I’m glad you accept my invitation to talk,” Junkyu said smiling, but he was anxious and was afraid that Jihoon would feel it too. He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “That’s mean a lot for me, so thanks”.

They were saying goodbye for real this time.

Jihoon bowed politely and said goodbye, asking Junkyu to have a good life and to be happy.

And Junkyu looked at his best friend one last time before finally crossing the street and going to the other side of the sidewalk. Junkyu felt his throat get dry and his eyes watery.

He remembered something that his mother had said a few months ago, weeks after Jihoon moved to Busan and Junkyu's eyes started to look strange.

_“It is difficult when our soul mate knows us as if it were the palm of the hand, isn't it?” mrs. Kim smiled stroking her son's soft hair, who was confused by his own feelings and eyes. Junkyu was losing colors. The tie that bound him to Jihoon was weakening because the older one was beginning to move on and had sworn to Venus that he would set Junkyu free. "_ _You wonder if what you two have was fate result or something else…” she whispers, realizing that her son had finally paid attention. “You start to think about every day you two live together, and become afraid to realize that, maybe, just maybe what you two have existed just because of the bond”._

_Junkyu felt his heart sink._

_He hadn't said how he felt to anyone, whenever Doyoung asked, he said he couldn't explain it, but it was a lie._

_Junkyu knew what he was feeling. He was afraid that all the things he had lived with Jihoon weren't real._

_And he didn't want everything to be a lie, he didn't want to have been pushed to Jihoon's against his will._

_He needed their friendship to be true._

_Junkyu needs to be the only one behind his choice to admires Jihoon, to have affection for him, and not that to be some kind of plan of the universe._

_“But it's like the tie dear, you'll never be sure.” the woman moved away to look him in the eyes. “But, Kyu-ah, have you stopped for a moment and wondered what it would have been like if you hadn't met him? Even if it was due to fate” she said. “What would have happened?”_

_He doesn't know._

_Perhaps he had been happy with Mashiho. Maybe Jihoon had another soul mate, one that was less complicated and she was willing to meet him._

_Maybe his life would be horrible without Jihoon._

_“I do not know” but Junkyu knows that he doesn't wanna imagine what his life would have been without Park Jihoon because they’re always together. “Maybe I had been someone different, had had different friends. But not happy”._

_Mrs. Kim smiled widely._

_"Have you ever wondered why, even after almost six months of what happened, you can still see colors? Even though they are fragile now, have you ever wondered why you weren't blind even after Jihoon swore an oath to Venus and Mars to reject the tie?"_

_No. He hadn't thought of that. Doyoung had asked why his eyes still worked, why he still had all those opaque and confusing colors, but Junkyu never stopped to think about what the reason was._

_“Do you remember when you cried when Jihoon fell off his bike and broke his arm?” she asked, holding her son's warm cheeks. Mrs. Kim loved her children so much, she wanted them to be happy and never need to suffer. But they’re stupid and need her for everything. He nods. “You always loved his birthmark, the one that looks like a heart…” Junkyu pursed his lips. “The way he smiled, the way he touched his hair. You told me all of that, sweet”._

He really loved everything about Jihoon. His crooked teeth before he uses braces, the heart-shaped sign, and all the other birthmarks spread across his face. He especially loved how gentle Jihoon's heart was, how he took care of people and fought for them. Junkyu missed loving Jihoon in that light way, without being afraid of the questions that prowled his mind about the friendship they had built and without being afraid to look him in the eye and see the whole universe inside them.

“I love your heart-shaped birthmark!” Kim Junkyu shouted from where he was, loud enough for Park Jihoon to turn to face him. The musician's heart sped up, but he blew out a breath and ran across the street. He couldn't let Jihoon go without first taking it out of his heart. Not after listening to him talk about all the times he loved Junkyu. “I love that thing you do with your tongue over your teeth when you're nervous, you look like a five-year-old little kid and that's so fucking cute…” he said breathlessly. “Your sense of humor makes me nervous, but I love that you make me laugh with the dumbest thing in the world!”

“What are you doing?”

Junkyu stops in front of Jihoon.

He can feel Jihoon's heartbeat.

“I’m telling you something I haven't said yet” Junkyu licks his lips and smile, a little bit sad. “In that time, when we were far from each other, I felt that all this was burying me, but it was much worse to feel every time you cried and felt lonely because of me, hyung” he wanted to, but he couldn't hold his own tears. He smiled sheepishly. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, you suffered so much because of what I told and did to you, but I needed to find out how being without you changed my life because I was afraid that our friendship was a lie, that it was just destiny and not our choice!” Junkyu felt stupid because he was crying in the middle of the street. Jihoon tried to speak, but the other interrupted him with wide eyes. “Did you feel how depressed I was because you were away from me, hyung?”

Jihoon had felt it, but he had told himself that the urge to cry and despair were the results of his tiredness and that it had nothing to do with Junkyu, partly because he was afraid to allow himself to feel the emotions of his other half and in part, because he knew it wasn’t fair to drown himself in more sadness because of someone who — at that time — had rejected him.

“Hyung, I know this is too much to ask” Junkyu licked his lip. He needed to know, even if the answer was bad, he needed to know that he had tried one last time before he really got on with his life. “But can we start over?”

Jihoon opened his eyes wide.

“Start over what?”

Junkyu sniffed, wiping his eyes.

“Our friendship.” he explained with a less heavy heart for the things that had finally been saying. “Can we restart our friendship over? I want to be able to choose you instead of leaving it to fate” Kim Junkyu took a step closer to Park Jihoon. “Hyung, can you start over and be my best friend one last time?”


	11. 10. PART 10: I BELIEVE IN CHOICES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junkyu could really see Jihoon's soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!WARNING!!!
> 
> This chapter contains a scene of sex, use of illegal substances such as alcohol and marijuana. That is, if you are sensitive to this type of content, I ask you to be careful. The scene starts in 'Two knocks on the door', when the dinner between Junkyu, Hyunsuk, and Jihoon ends. Be careful, please.
> 
> \- ¤ –
> 
> I am so proud of Jihoon!!!
> 
> I watched his videos as an MC, his smile is so big, genuine... it makes my heart warm and I am happy that he took this step and achieved something so big.
> 
> Jihoon-ah, I'm really happy for you and proud that you were able to show that side. 
> 
> I will be supporting you every day, thank you for your hard work!!
> 
> Ah, I also wanted to thank you for all the affection and sweet words that you have left for me, it means a lot. I feel very welcomed by everyone and this is very important for me, 2020 was a difficult year for everyone, but it is very good to know that there are still people who care about each other and take a few moments to care for others. 
> 
> Thank you all, I hope you are all well, that your families are well!
> 
> (ps: I'm writing a new story when WISY is finished, I'll open a new page to publish and see what you like... this time we will have Junkyu in double dose)

There was a legend about how the God of Destiny had come down from his mountain of heaven and had blown into the eyes of the new generation a union that would make them perfect, of how people met in the universe and loved each other. How hearts were filled with love and, at the same time, were reduced to cosmic dust. People looked forward to the day they would turn twenty so they could be loved, others wanted to break the eternal bond the moment they found their other halves because they already loved someone and wanted to live with their choices.

For a long time, Junkyu wanted to be loved, to love, and to live beside his link of b’shert forever. It was like that until he saw Park Jihoon in all his colors and his world collapsed, his heart was filled with despair and he didn't know what it all meant: had he chosen to be friends with Jihoon in the past, or was that the work of destiny? Did they really like each other or was the feeling false and moved by a mystical being? Were they friends?

Everything changed the instant Junkyu realized that the fear he felt meant that he loved Jihoon while vowing to love so many other people. He changed when he realized that he was the one to blame for all the disgrace that had happened in his life, how stupid he was for making Mashiho bear his mistakes and how he regretted making the wrong choices.

The door opened causing Junkyu to look up.

He smiled when Hyunsuk waved towards him. Junkyu's heart was light in his chest when he finally saw Park Jihoon, smiling at him as if he were really happy to have agreed to start over.

 _'My name is Park Jihoon…_ ' the boy had said that day, four months ago when Junkyu thought he would never see him again. _'It is a pleasure to meet you, Kim Junkyu. I hope that this time we will be able to do everything right_ ’.

“Ya! Can you explain to me why I must be the driver when you have a car now, brat?” Hyunsuk complained. “Don't you get tired of making me an employee for your own benefices Kim Junkyu?”

“You should be happy to have a role in my life hyung, I might as well have just invited Jihoon today.” the youngest among the three replied, rolling his eyes, pushing the drinks he had made a point of asking for friends. “You're just an intruder here so don’t piss me off today, please”.

Hyunsuk kicked the youngest under the table and grunted, pretending he was going to punch the musician in the shoulder, who laughed as he complained about the pain in his left calf. After some time of fighting, they changed the subject and chattered about ambiguous things over and over. It was a happy moment for the three musketeers because it had been a while since they went out together and acted like old times — Hyunsuk had told Mashiho how much he missed his best friends and how he would do anything to make them really get along that time. That he wouldn't miss the chance to have them in his life because of the secrets he kept.

At some point during the night, the eldest gave the idea of going to his old apartment — which now belonged to Haruto — to remember the old days with beer and marijuana. Hyunsuk made a point of telling all the news that had not yet been mentioned:

“After Haruto gathered enough money, I decided to sell my apartment to him because Mashiho and I wanted to live together.” the elder laughed at Junkyu's surprised expression. “We bought an apartment two blocks away from here. I don't know if you talked to Doyoung again or if Junkyu already told you, Jihoon…” Hyunsuk asked. “but Yedam is better now and they will move in together next summer”.

“I helped them choose the color of the walls.” Junkyu laughed because he had chosen a green color of vomit saying it was coral. “They will love the house when they turn twenty. I bet the photos they take in the apartment will be amazing with the choices I made for them”.

Jihoon laughed even though he had no idea what color it was because he knew his best friend well. Hyunsuk told how happy Jaehyuk and Asahi looked in Japan. Of how Jihoon's younger brother, Jeong-woo, was enjoying visiting Haruto's apartment on the weekends.

“My brother?” Jihoon pushed the bottle away from his mouth, confused by the laughter in the corner of Junkyu's lips. He opened his eyes wide. “They-”

“I don't know if they are really dating” Junkyu replied because Doyoung had told how much the group laughed when he heard Jihoon's brother confess himself to the Japanese. “but they are very close.” he said laughing because he could feel how furious Jihoon was to discover that way. “Haruto is a great boy”.

Jihoon gritted his teeth at the idea and turned all the liquid in the bottle, howling because of the heartburn that spread in his stomach. He would remember to make an interrogation when he saw them again because now that he knew that he understood why Haruto was so nervous when Jihoon said that he would visit them that weekend with Junkyu.

Hyunsuk laughed out loud, clapping his hands with amusement and the musician joined him, chattering about how protective and annoying Jihoon was when it came to his younger brother — they got kicked and cursed.

“Yoshinori is dating a girl named Somi. They seem happy together, but we are sure that they aren’t soul mates”.

“In the past, I didn't want to bring it up” Junkyu licked his lips, he was hesitant, but he wanted their opinion. “but I always thought that Yoshinori hadn’t found the soul mate because that person was too young…” it wasn’t impossible. Jihoon nodded without knowing exactly why the other's nervousness about it. “It's just that I think Junghwan is Yoshi’s soul mate”.

Hyunsuk spat the drink on the floor and was static because he hadn't stopped to think about that hypothesis, but now that it was mentioned, it seemed like it all made sense. Junghwan and Yoshi always had a strange relationship, they were too similar and were always together despite the age difference. They were naturally compatible in everything.

“Holy shit!” Jihoon ran a hand through his hair. “I didn't want to think like that because Junghwan is really young, but it makes perfect sense! They always had something different…” he thought of all the times that Yoshi took care of the youngest, how he spoke differently about the athlete, and how the two got along as if there was really no hierarchy regarding their age. “Why did I never think about that shit?”

“Much less me!” Hyunsuk pointed to his own chest, incredulous at that idea. But he realized something. “But if they are soul mates, it means that Yoshi will still have to wait for more…” he counted on his fingers. “Three and a half years for Junghwan!”

It was cruel to think about it because Yoshi was almost twenty-two now and was looking forward to meeting his soul mate — even though he was dating someone else. They didn't want it to be true because they didn't want their friend to wait any longer, but they couldn't deny that it made sense that Junghwan was the other half of Yoshinori's soul. They chattered about how it could change affect both of them because it was really a delicate situation if they were to stop to think about everything that had already happened.

“You know…” Hyunsuk smiled excitedly. “I was really happy when Mashi said you two got things right” he admitted, leaning back in the chair. The older man's brown eyes looked really happy, in a way that Junkyu hadn't seen in a while. “I missed that, guys. Us. I really missed us like that”.

Jihoon understood.

It wasn't just about him and Junkyu.

It was him, Junkyu, and the friends they had grown up with, learned, fought, cried, laughed with, had fun. It was their family that had been torn apart because of a problem that they didn't know how to solve at first. And he understood the feeling because he had also missed how things were before they became adults with soulmates.

“You two made the right decision,” Hyunsuk said, lower than he planned. Junkyu blinked slowly, because the decision they had made, meant being close to each other, rebuilding the friendship that had been terribly hurt by fate and, mainly, by his harsh words. He looked at Jihoon. “I missed my besties”.

Staying close to Park Jihoon meant feeling his heart racing when the other smiled, his stomach getting sick when thought about the idea that they had parted away.

It meant living silently with what had grown in his chest day after day while Jihoon was away.

It meant having his soulmate… and not having him.

“Me too, hyung” Jihoon smiled happily, leaning over to touch his friend's shoulder. Junkyu looked away when he realized what it really meant. “I also missed being with you two like that. Like the old day”.

Eyes working, the colors that remained dull as if they had never been so bright before, the heart-pounding and the hands sweaty…

It meant that he loved Jihoon.

Junkyu forced himself to smile when he heard his name echo from his soulmate's mouth — he felt nothing but the dancer's joy at being with his best friends again. His colors were opaque.

“It was the right decision for everyone” Jihoon said, looking directly at Junkyu, who felt his heart tighten in his chest. “I thought it would be impossible, but I'm glad we came back to talk”.

And maybe — having become good friends again — meant that Jihoon had really moved on and learned to forget what he had felt for Kim Junkyu in the past.

It meant that he didn't love him anymore.

**\- ¤ –**

Junkyu spits his drink, coughing violently as he tried to apologize for the small mess. He opened his eyes wide to keep the tears he felt forming from starting to roll down his face, and smiled sheepishly as he said:

“It's okay. I’m okay…” he coughed softly, finishing wiping his moist lips. Junkyu felt Doyoung's hand on his back and turned to him. “Don’t worry”.

“Are you sure?” Doyoung asked because part of him doubted that it had happened by accident, just when Yoshinori mentioned that he had seen Jihoon with a girl. Kissing. “Do you want to leave?”

Junkyu's smile twitched, because of course his brother had realized what he was going through, but he didn't want to ruin the night and for this reason, he denied squeezing his jaw tightly.

“It’s not every day that you turn twenty-one, discover that your best friend and boyfriend is really your soul mate, and open a restaurant franchise by being so young” Junkyu squeezed his brother's fingers fondly. “Let's stay.” he said seriously, but his brother was determined to get Junkyu out of there at any cost. The eldest rolled his eyes and walked away from a little: “Stop worrying so much and go dancing with your boyfriend, Dobby. He's happy”.

Doyoung knew that. It was his twenty-first birthday, he and Yedam had finally proven their b'sert's bond and, as if it were a special bonus, they had managed to save enough money to open a second restaurant, so he had a lot to celebrate but he was worried about his brother. Junkyu was acting weird and he lived in his old room, even when Jihoon knocked on the door, he didn't answer, and it was almost an impossible mission to make him go out with friends.

“Hyung-”

“I'm fine!” Junkyu shouted unintentionally, drawing the other's attention. Hyunsuk gets close to them, asking if everything was okay and the taller laughed angrily. “Can you guys leave me alone for a moment?”

“Junkyu…”

“What?!” he snorted impatiently, rolling his eyes at Yoshinori. The musician sighed deeply: “I'm going to dance. You should do the same instead of treating me like a child”.

He tried to pass Hyunsuk, but was stopped:

“If you like him, why don't you say it out loud?”

His heart, which Junkyu was trying to avoid thinking, sped up in his chest and his mouth went dry. He tried to think of something else, take a deep breath or hold it, anything that would prevent Jihoon from feeling what was going through his body at that moment, but of course, his attempts had been in vain and Jihoon had appeared out of nowhere as if someone had shouted his name for help.

“What is happening?” he asked referring to the way Hyunsuk was holding Junkyu. The two slip away. “What happens, Kyu? Why are you so anxious? I-”

“Why do you want to know?” the taller interrupted without thinking, gritting his teeth. He moved his eyes when a female figure appeared right behind Jihoon, with a wide smile on her red lips. He hated that color. “Go back to doing what you were doing and leave me alone”.

“What…” Jihoon frowned, watching his best friend walk away without saying another word. Doyoung sighed angrily but didn’t go after his brother because Yoshinori wanted to talk to Junkyu alone. “What was that?!”

“Nothing. Just let Yoshi hyung handle with this.” Doyoung said without thinking about the fact that now Jihoon knew about what had happened between them. The older man's face changed quickly to immense frustration, but he had been through it long enough to be hurt. “What I meant is that-”

“Everything is okay, Dobby.” Jihoon smiled, placing his hand on the boy's shoulder. Hyunsuk wasn’t so sure if everything was really okay, but he sighed watching them, and let Jihoon handle it. “Junkyu is upset about something, right? Nothing better than someone who knows him well to help.” the dancer turned. “Until they come back, why don't we dance a little? This is a nightclub, for God's sake, stop standing like statues!”

**\- ¤ –**

Two knocks on the door.

Jihoon raised his head, looking at the clock on the wall.

It was after 3 am.

“Is it open.” he answers when the third beat echoed in his ears. He frowned when he saw Junkyu. “Oh. Hi, you there…” Junkyu didn’t answer. “Can't sleep again, or did you have a hard time with evils rabbits?”

The taller rolled his eyes.

“So funny!” Junkyu snorted closing the door behind him. That was the last week in Seoul, they had decided to relax a little because they had been partying all month. “You’re smoking pot?” he asked as soon as the smell became lived in his memory. It had been a while since he last saw Jihoon or anyone else using drugs. “At my parents' house, Ji? What if they were here?”

“Thank God they are doctors and live in the hospital”.

Junkyu rolled his eyes again. Even though his parents weren’t at home, Doyoung was in the room at the end of the hall and he hated that his brother and friends smoked inside the house because the ceiling smelled bad.

Jihoon gets up put to find Junkyu a cigarette:

“Why don’t we share?”

He looks at him.

He almost never liked to share cigarettes because he hated the idea of touching someone else's saliva, even if it was from one of his friends.

“Yeah. Fine”.

Jihoon sits beside him again, holding the smoke for a while, waiting for it to dissipate and fill his lungs. They looked at each other and the musician coughed laughing, returning it to Jihoon.

“Can you believe we're going back to Busan this weekend?” he asked, the thing about that month. “I’ll miss Seoul so fucking much…”

“Yeah, me too”.

Junkyu nod because he knows how much Jihoon like to like in that city, even though his whole family lived in Busan, he always felt more comfortable living in Seoul with friends.

“We can back in our next vocations…” Junkyu said. Jihoon nod.

Silence.

It was how things had been since their last fight after Yoshi forced Junkyu to go back inside the club and act like an adult. Jihoon still didn't understand what had happened, but he had chosen to ignore the situation and move on.

But he wasn’t a fool, he knew that Junkyu was acting differently.

He was more distant, quiet.

Sad.

“I’m really glad you accepted my invitation, hyung. I missed our friends, but I didn't want to come back alone after so long. It would be weird”.

“Why?” Jihoon licked his lips. “They’re our family. They would have welcomed you with open arms” he said. But Jihoon understood what Junkyu meant, it could be stressful to answer some questions alone. “But yeah, I’m glad that you want me on that trip too. I told you before, I will always be by your side. You don't have to face anything alone, _princess_ ”.

Those words hit Junkyu.

He hated his own body when he was close to Jihoon because now the distinction between friendship and the bond was totally different. Now he was able to know when he wanted more than the other could give him and it was frustrating because he couldn't ask Jihoon to give up everything he had overcome to calm his confused desires like his other half.

Junkyu looked away.

Jihoon lying down, smoking with his eyes closed without realizing how unstable his best friend's heart was becoming due to the amount of weed he had smoked that night. He felt light, calm, relaxed enough to sleep without worrying about anything else in the universe. Unlike him, Junkyu was anxious, hot, nervous and his hands were sweating because his mind kept thinking about the night Jihoon kissed him in karaoke, how warm and soft his hands were, how good the kiss had been.

It was hot.

“Are you sleep with that girl?”

“What girl?”

Junkyu looks at him.

“From that coffee shop…” he didn’t want to be jealous, but it was being difficult since Jihoon was always going out with someone new every night. The musician had spent the night thinking about how happy Jihoon looked, young. He felt terrible for wanting that smile to disappear. “She is beautiful”.

Jihoon raised his eyebrows, he was looking for some kind of joke.

He laughed when he realized that Junkyu was serious.

“I'm not dating her…” he revealed. “ We're just having fun together”.

Junkyu wished his heart hadn't feel relieved at that very moment because he was so vulnerable, so thoughtful these days that it was impossible to hide his feelings from Jihoon.

The older took a deep breath when he felt a wave of heat invade his body and closed his eyes tightly, forcing himself to ignore those feelings that left him breathless.

Junkyu apologized in a whisper.

They hadn’t broken the bond in the correct way as they had promised that afternoon, before Junkyu begged for a second chance because they liked to see a colorful world and the doctor said that, as long as they were free from rancor for each other, they would be fine.

But it was difficult.

Jihoon tried to ignore every time he felt something different coming from Junkyu, a look, a smile, the way his mind screamed in annoyance when he mentioned being out with someone else. He ignored it because they were friends and Junkyu was always a jealous person, of course, he didn't want Jihoon to pay attention to someone else and was acting like a child.

That was it. Jealousy among friends.

Junkyu hated being the second option.

Of course, he would be relieved to know that his best friend would never leave him for anyone else, regardless of what he did.

“You’re such a kid…” Jihoon tries to play with that feeling. “Don’t you get tired of being so clingy Kyu? You’ll never lose me, silly”.

Jihoon smile at him.

He hated that cute smile, that heart-shaped birthmark, that damp hair on his forehead, and Jihoon's small eyes. He hated it so much that he wanted to touch every detail, wanted to feel his lips texture on his fingerprints, and wanted to use his tongue to taste every part of Park Jihoon's body.

Lust.

He felt that.

He stops laughing when Junkyu's desire overwhelming him. It was suffocating as if something was scratching him from the inside out. His throat hurt, his lips were tender, and his body was too hot to support that — it was impossible not to lean over and kiss that pretty mouth.

“Fuck!” Jihoon got up scared by his own actions, placing his hand over his mouth. Junkyu sat down, his hair messy and his lips red from the kiss that had been stolen. “I’m so fucking sorry. You’re… you know? Sorry!”

Silence.

Junkyu didn’t know how to respond and had no idea what Jihoon was feeling because he seemed to be trying to mask his own emotions after that kiss. In a surge of courage, Kim Junkyu kisses him again, feeling his best friend with a heart full of desire and despair to have him in his arms again.

Jihoon held Junkyu's neck, answering the question with a desperate kiss, full of passion and love, longing, sadness, affection, pride, compassion, joy. He kissed Junkyu as if he depended on it for a living because he didn't want there to be any doubt: Kim Junkyu was still the person in his heart, he would always be independent of what happened.

The older one held the other's hands when he felt them go down into the sweatpants he was wearing. His eyes were red, and his pupils were warning how high they were.

“You're high” Jihoon swallowed. The first time he had kissed Junkyu, they were drunk. He didn't want to make that mistake again because this time his heart wouldn't take it that same way. “I cannot do this. We can’t”.

“I love you”.

Jihoon look hurt.

“Don’t…” he said. “Don’t do that to me. You’re just…” he tried to walk away, looking away. “You're just being the silly Junkyu, who thinks everyone is going to leave you. You didn't mean that”.

“I did and you know that!” Junkyu said angrily to his best friend. He knew he had hurt Jihoon in a way that he could never erase, but he didn't accept being insulted like that again. “Why are you hiding your feelings from me right now, hyung? You know I love you” he said weakly, get close. “I'm sorry it took me so long to understand, but can we please accept this?”

“No!” Jihoon laughed angrily, trying to push Junkyu away without hurting him. He didn't want to have that conversation. “Go to your room”.

“Jihoon-”

“You can't keep doing this to me!” Jihoon screamed hurt, his eyes filled with tears. Of course, he had noticed Junkyu's feelings, the way he looked at him, smiled, how he touched him. It was different now as if something had been turned on and everything was on track. But he didn't want to get hurt again, so he preferred to accept that the change had to do with the friendship they had. “You can’t…”

Junkyu held Jihoon's warm cheeks.

He felt his pain, his broken heart, and despair.

“I'm sorry I made you go through all of this hyung” the boy whispered, dropping his hands over the other's shoulders. His mouth was salivating. Junkyu had never felt so hot. “I'm sorry I made you suffer and took so long”.

“No…” Jihoon whimpered, narrowing his eyes as he felt the temperature of Junkyu's fingers on his belly. He gasped and caught the younger man's wrists. “You don't know what you're talking about. What are you feeling? It's just because we sort things out, it's b'sert's bond”.

Junkyu forced his hand into the other's shirt, receiving a pleasant sigh in response. This was not just b'sert's bond and Jihoon knows that too.

“I love you, Park Jihoon” he whispered again, looking directly into Jihoon's black eyes. “It wasn't my whole life, but at some point, I started to love you, hyung. And I hate that it took me so long to notice this…” he swallowed, anxious to feel more of the older man's skin. His fingers touched his abs and he got goosebumps all over his body. “I hate to see you with other people”.

Jihoon felt suffocated, anxious. Hungry.

He didn't know how, but he wanted to devour Junkyu completely.

“I hate to think that you are…” the taller licked his lips, listening to the furniture move as he pushed Jihoon's hip against the dresser. They breathed together. “With someone else when you should be kissing me, touching me, loving me” he licked Jihoon's lower lip. “Fucking me”.

It was so fast, the electricity that passed through their bodies and made Jihoon grab the youngest by the scruff and connect his lips.

They kissed until the contact became a mess of hands and Junkyu drag Jihoon back to bed, sat on his lap, breaking the kiss, and looking into those dark eyes. He thinks Jihoon was handsome. His messy hair, his puffy lips, the tip of his nose, and his eyes. Jihoon made Junkyu's body yearn for his touches, made him feel like floating in the clouds, and wanted to freeze the universe so they could live forever in each other's arms — he wanted to be Jihoon's forever.

Junkyu connects their mouths in a slow kiss, full of all the vows that hadn't been said out loud in the past. Jihoon held the musician's waist, who shivered and let out a groan between his lips. They weren’t inexperienced, but it looked like they had never felt that euphoria before in their lives, and when Kim Junkyu moved his hips down and rubbed his ass against Park Jihoon's dick, it looked like they were going to die together. They groaned.

They separated the kiss and glued their foreheads, looking at each other with admiration, lust, desire and, to cheer the hearts of both, with love. With so much love that they would go crazy any moment.

Junkyu rocks his hips again, slowly, and released his breath between his lips as he watched Jihoon’s expression light up. _That’s so fucking good._

When they were away from each other, Junkyu touched himself sometimes, thinking about Jihoon and felt every time the eldest had an orgasm himself — even if that could mean that he was having sex with someone else, the musician would feel as if his body were burning up whenever Jihoon reached his climax and had an orgasm. He wanted to feel it again.

Junkyu wanted to feel the euphoria of having Jihoon inside him.

He increased the speed of his movements, pushing the other's torso against the bed and supporting himself with just one hand on his chest while rocking himself on his covered member.

It was different, impossible to put into words because Junkyu wasn’t just feeling his own pleasure, he was feeling Jihoon in his whole being and every corner of his brain was imploding with pleasure without even taking off his clothes. Jihoon squeezed the younger boy's hip, taking the courage to turn their bodies on the bed.

He pushed his hip against Junkyu, rubbing his limbs inside his clothes, and groaned between his friend's soft lips. Jihoon's lips placed wet kisses all over the youngest's neck, descending slowly as his hands busied themselves in removing his shirt. They didn’t need verbal permission because b’shert’s link was so alive that they could decipher every piece of their souls with a single touch. He sucked on one of Junkyu's nipples, who tilted his head and arched his back with the sensation he never imagined could be pleasurable.

Jihoon squeezed the boy's thighs, panting against the skin and descending with the tip of his tongue towards Junkyu's navel. He got rid of own his sweatpants and, without thinking twice, removed Junkyu's pants, swallowing his dick.

Junkyu cried out because he was going crazy every time Jihoon sucked his dick was too much. Before he could come, he pulled Jihoon and kissed his friend, feeling his likes on the tip of his tongue before getting on his knees and pulling on the pants that the other wore with agility.

Junkyu looked at Jihoon curiously because he had never seen him that way. He wondered how he hadn't noticed that look in the past. Why he had been stupid to let him go? He was stupid back then but was grateful that his mother had opened his eyes and helped him to see Park Jihoon in that unique and loving way.

They changed their position.

Junkyu's lips were soft, warm and Jihoon put that feeling at the top of his list of ‘best things in Kim Junkyu’. The older one moaned when he was bitten in the thigh but didn’t have time to process because his member was being stimulated in Junkyu’s agile hands — he masturbated Jihoon willingly, kissing the extension of the older's thigh while tightening his fingers and intensified movements. He stopped a few times because he didn't want Jihoon to come, and when he finished sucking him, he sat on his thick thighs.

Jihoon pointed to the backpack on the floor but was silenced by Junkyu's soft lips who kissed him and, without hesitation, grabbed the eldest dick and pushed it inside him. The moan that escaped their mouths was poetic, impossible to explain and so intense that Doyoung could probably hear them now. Jihoon back away because he needed to look at Junkyu, he needed to watch that emotion that emanated from them. From him.

“I love you…” Junkyu groaned as he moved his hips, sinking over Jihoon's dick countless times until they both started to get out of breath. The older one hugged him around the waist, his heart racing in his chest made everything even more intense. He held Junkyu in place and pushed his own hip upward, burying himself even deeper, turning the youngest body over the mattress to make the thrusts even stronger. Junkyu thought he was going to die. The hand on his member made everything even more intense, part of you wanted to scream and the other part wanted to beg to be even more tortured. Jihoon felt from inside himself again, pushing so hard that their bodies moved causing the headboard to hit the wall. “Hyung, I love you. I love you”.

Jihoon felt the corners of his eyes fill with tears because he knew it was true. He felt in every corner of his body, in his bones, on his sweaty skin, his racing heart and his mind flooded with the fact that Kim Junkyu loved him with all his being. And he loved Junkyu just as much.

And it was much more pleasurable than they could have imagined, Jihoon couldn't put into words what they had felt when Junkyu came and him, a few strokes later, filled his soulmate interior when he reached the climax.

They were still in the same position, their eyes closed, breathing fast, bodies sweaty and sensitive to all the emotions and sensations they had felt for each other when Junkyu finally cried. He cried with joy, smoothing Jihoon's sweaty neck and allowing himself to forgive himself for everything that had happened in the past and the time it had taken him to decide to be happy with the person he really loved.

Junkyu cried because he realized that what they have, their friendship, the love, had been a choice and not Destiny's work. What he felt for his eldest friend was much more than a simple link and his life was complete.

Jihoon cried with him because he felt that his existence finally made sense and that his heart had never been happier in his life. He kissed the corners of Junkyu's moist eyes and lay down next to the only person he loved in the entire universe. They looked at each other with something besides love, beyond anything that had been said in the legends or explained by their families. They looked at each other as if they could see each other's souls.

Junkyu could really see Jihoon's soul.

It was beautiful.

“I love you, Kim Junkyu” Jihoon whispered with a small smile on his red lips, with happiness he couldn't contain. He came even closer and hugged him, who seemed to fit perfectly in his arms. “I love you with my whole being”.


End file.
